True Love After Narcissistic Abuse (Storytime) – Evening TV

True Love After Narcissistic Abuse (Storytime) – Evening TV

I’m terribly sorry
I’m really, really sorry… I had the neighbors over there yelling at my dog who’s acting badly. Anyway,
let me start again. I have to start over. Okay I won’t go through the whole spiel about
the two cameras just please forgive me if I’m not always looking right at the camera. I
went through a whole explanation about why but I’m not gonna put anyone through
it again who’s still watching. Okay so what this is about is romantic
competence. People seem to have some interest in how it is that I had come
through such a disastrous relationship history including such a disastrous marriage and
all of that and then ended up… there’s the bad dog right there…. happily married. This is in tandem with a series that I put on my
channel, and the second one in the series is yet to go up, but the first one i’ve
already done, and it’s about knowing thyself, knowing what your needs are,
knowing who you are, and basically, asking yourself questions that when I
was younger I wasn’t asking, and so that largely has to do with the big
difference in my relationships. It also has to do with
my naive ideas about what I was gonna make happen. I had these relationship goals, and my beliefs
about what a marriage was supposed to be and what I could
control had come through watching my narcissistic parents, who I hadn’t
identified as such, in a relationship that was not an easy relationship. I basically came to came to adulthood relationships and marriage believing that as long as you pick someone who seems basically compatible with you, you
basically seem to share the same values that you just kind of… it just takes work
from there. Okay, well this is real tricky when you
don’t know that there’s people out there who are pretending to match your values.
So that was didn’t factor in at all. So, I thought that I had picked
someone who mirrored my values. Well he
did mirror my values but they weren’t authentic for him. So I’m thinking yeah
we had differences sure things weren’t perfect of course
but they were pretty okay. I thought we had at least as much going
for us as anybody does, and it’s just gonna take work. The problem too was that in my marriage in my earlier life I was so used to being deprived of
love that when he was depriving me of love it was normal to me so I had a
very high tolerance for pain. My threshold for pain was really, really
high plus I was so committed. I was just absolutely committed to making this
thing work. And the biggest thing , the biggest, biggest thing
was I just could not ever admit to myself that he didn’t love me. The idea
that he didn’t love me was just so unbearable that I just
couldn’t go there, and it nearly killed me. It literally nearly killed me.
I had a heart attack at 33 years old. My heart literally broke at 33 years
old, and that was the beginning of the end. My life never recovered
after that. My marriage had been loveless and abusive for several years
leading up to it, and then once I had this heart attack I had needs that he
was just no way gonna meet, and because and he was it was so unusual, and such an odd
thing to have happen that he was able to offer up an explanation that was not
true,; it was not an accurate explanation but it allowed him to and manipulate things and
work things out so that my heart attack ended up being something that he used to
create a whole story about me and drug abuse which wasn’t true and a smear
campaign ensued and with the help of my narcissistic family he stole, destroyed or erased the first 35 years of my life [and made the rest as difficult for my kids and I as possible.] But as of right now my one son is the only thing left of my first 35 years of
life so that’s pretty remarkable. That means all of my family, all of my friends,
all my assets, everything and one son, even my eldest child
all gone. Needless to say…granted that [the death of my son] only happened two years ago but all the rest of it was lost before I met this second husband. So I was a different person when I met him. I wasn’t putting my faith in someone else
to make me happy or anything like that. I had learned
my lesson that I have to get really myself and I have to I have to be
able to make my own self happy and be able to be standing here and okay if
something happens to this relationship. What the coolest thing is about
everyone who ended up being narcissistically abused
is that we, across the board, we’re adventurous. We were risk takers. We were
because all of us have a story that could have
just as easily turned out to be the most romantic story in the world. It could
have worked out. There are stories like this that work out all the
time. Let me also say that we aren’t alone in our relationship
failures. You know, half of every marriage is ending. Half of every
marriage, half of the people are getting divorced and of the ones
that are staying married not all them are very happy. I mean, some of the most
dysfunctional couples I know never got divorced. So you know, I want to say that.
We aren’t the only ones that had relationship failures, but ours were
particularly painful. They were really particularly painful
particularly brutal There was no amicable divorce happening
with us. There was no amicable breakup. There was some brutal lying and betrayal
and these guys in girls when they break up they are out to ruin
you and destroy your life. There’s no
friends after breakups with these people. They are
lying and from the beginning they’re setting you up. Although I
will have to say I do believe that there is a small window where they’re lying to
themselves too, and that they are just as high on this story as as you are.
It’s just they’re under control.
You’re not lying to them they’re lying to you and then they lie to themselves about
you as well about how perfect you are and how perfect they are and how perfect everything is, and so when you end up just being human that’s a huge
disappointment to them so I do believe that there is some level of
disappointment to them as well because of their emotional immaturity, huge sense of entitlement, absolute
lack of accountability and responsibility to to other people. So
what I did after my disastrous divorce, and I mean it was really bad , I
eventually became a relationship counselor, and actually called it
intimacy coaching and started to love my life. I
started to really love my life and was not into having a romantic relationship
of my own at all and I was single for several years and this was new for me. I realized that I had never been single before.
Of course the narcissists are not single either ever
for very long, but I had never been single before. I had always thought I had
to be paired up with someone, and for the first time in my life I was single. So
that was the first thing, and I was really enjoying it. Because I had fought so hard for this independent life
because when my husband left me I had no identity. I didn’t know who I was. I
didn’t know what I liked. I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know anything
about myself. I was so others- focused that I had no idea about what I
needed to be happy, what happiness look like for me, nothing. I had to
learn all of that and it was so hard that I was not very willing to go
through it again so, in a way that pain motivated me to be very very careful the
next time. I had no idea that this could happen. I mean none of the things that he was doing
that he did did I have in my frame of reference to do you know they were not
even possibilities to me to think of having done so that was that made me
courageous. Now those things were in my frame of reference. Now I knew that these
kinds of things happen. I knew that people lied and cheated and did all this
stuff and I knew that , and that really even you know even the people that I
really trusted my own parents my brother my best friends had all betrayed me and
so as not I wasn’t I wasn’t really I was willing to put my heart out there
although which gave me which made it really which put me in a good position
to sort of advise of the people because I wasn’t getting emotionally involved
with them so what was really great about this was so that when I met my who would
eventually become my husband we took it very slowly you know very very slowly
you know I knew him for instead of a matter of months before we were getting
engaged we were we knew each other for years you for him and we had to know
each other really well really well first and basically by the time I married him
I really knew who he was by the time I married him he had actually seen me
through things that more he’s actually seen me through more things than my
husband ever had really than anyone ever had and so he’d proven to me who he was
and I you know so I really married him with utter confidence in who he was and
and he was not the kind of person I ever ever would have would have thought of
naturally naturally dating he’s very shot at a quiet reserved he’s an
engineer you know you know works in computers you know
really totally totally different from me and but at the same time he was really
expected she was extremely nurturing and kind and and also because he was in his
40s and already well-established he already devoted a lot of his effort in
time to career and all that he was really ready you know he was really
ready and really wanted to take on a relationship and a family and he really
needed to be because I brought with me two troubled kids you know two kids who
were really you know I haven’t that difficult relation with their father
they had you know and they were headed and they were we were headed in two
years of trouble I headed you know and and he was always showed up always
should have never never walked out on anything and I looked back on past
relationships not only my ex-husband but also a boyfriend’s and they didn’t have
nearly the character that he had to see me to stand by me through anything that
was you know the challenges of life you know and so really the the big thing is
and with these with these two episodes basically these two episodes that I’m
gonna upload on my channel basically are talking about is one is talking about
getting to know yourself really well and then the other one is that if you decide
you really want a relationship to work hard handle yourself so that you’re not
so that you’re not desperate so that you are handling it so that you are so you feel good about yourself when
it’s all over with you know if it’s over with you know if it works or doesn’t
work you’re still you you still hang on to you regardless and that’s really what
is so different from what I was doing the first time I was come I had
completely lost myself in my first relationship completely lost myself and
you know it comes from you know a lot of people do when they’re young but it is
especially difficult if you come from you know narcissistic parents and you
and you didn’t get a big investment in who you are in the first place you know
you didn’t get enough love and enough attention and enough appreciation for
who you are in the first place you’re really really
vulnerable to having that happen and so there’s a lot of healing that has to
happen and it doesn’t happen quickly you know so really a lot of this takes time
and it takes investment in yourself but one thing I really feel passionate about
too is that I think that as a rule one of the things I really love to see
changed is that we don’t talk about we don’t teach romantic confidence and we
should because what ends up happening is we end up seeking help way too late you
know we end up loading a marriage counseling it’s way too late when you’re
going to marriage counseling that’s why in this woman’s episode this episode
that I’m gonna I’m gonna upload when I talk about what to do if you want to
save your relationship I say don’t don’t say don’t suggest counseling don’t
suggest let’s go to counseling don’t suggest let’s work on our relationship
don’t do it just don’t do it and the reason is
because it doesn’t hardly ever work a and because it’s too late and B because
the only the best chance you have for making it work is to be focusing on the
positive not just trying not to try and avoid a bad relationship with to focus
on a good relationship and B be a person that someone would really miss some
healthy person would really miss the person who’s not a narcissist
you know the NARS isn’t gonna they’re not gonna appreciate you regardless
they’re not gonna notice what you’re doing regardless but if it’s a healthy
relationship this person would really miss you make it that make it so that
you’re not you know you’re not arguing you’re not focusing on what isn’t
working you know I really really strongly
believe now after what I’ve been through but that when you’re unhappy if there is
very little to do about it I mean it’s like you should not spend a lot of time
unhappy in a relationship because I don’t I don’t think it it doesn’t
hardly ever work it doesn’t really ever work where there’s there’s a reason why
you’re so unhappy something is not working and the commitment isn’t matched
there’s contempt there’s something going on and because our fuses are long
especially if you are an empathic person if you’re really committed your
relationship if you have children and all this stuff if you our fuses are long
so by the time you’re in marriage counseling it’s it’s too late I don’t
you know I you know I’m sure that people will get upset about that but I you know
my I’d like to see some statistics on it because there is hardly no one that I
know of that went to marriage counseling when they were really it was in where it
really worked and health the other time when we the second the second time when
we do this is if we go to like premarital counseling premarital
counseling but it’s also too late I believe it’s also to the ID which I did
I did go to I do I went to premarital counseling with my first husband and it
was this it was this weekend away this weekend it was called engagement
encounter and we went this week anyway and they had all these exercises and
things you were supposed to do and I was thinking he is so committed to me
because he would he would go through this if he wasn’t really serious and
really committed and we’re all these exercises where you you know you talk
about your wants and likes and how well you know each other and we we had it
wired we were the a plus couple in the whole thing we left there who are so
confident cocky we’re like we have it wired wit where are these other you’re
leaving it and Mary they don’t know what they’re doing we haven’t so we are took
weird we’re golden we’re good to go because he knew everything about me
every single question you can answer and every single question you know we knew
everything and we thought we were we had all this
intimacy and all this stuff but I didn’t know I didn’t know what to look for I
didn’t know I didn’t know the red flags and then my flavour in flakes had
already shown up – they really had they got red they got worse you know got
worse worse worse the time of course but there were already enough red flags that
had I been healthier had I not been so needy I would have seen but I was
depleted I was depleted and I was I was and I also I also was a goal-oriented
person and I wanted to get married young and I wanted to have kids and I wanted
to ELISA and I I was gonna make it happen
and I was and I knew that I could I knew that I could you know I knew I thought
based on who he told me he was that he had enough that we were enough
compatible we were enough to battle and it wasn’t perfect but and we were
thought we were enough compatible we can make it work and you know I of course
you know what narcissism comes into it that blows it all out of the water if
that takes it you know fit that’s you’re talking about a whole other ballpark
there where there’s nothing you could have known this is these are liars and
they’re frauds and all this stuff so you know you can’t you can’t I can’t blame
myself too much for what I didn’t see there you know with some with some of
this stuff that I you know wasn’t like it wasn’t like I knew that we had these
major differences and I just went for it anyway it wasn’t that I mean he really
lied to me and told me that you know made me think that we had
things in common which we didn’t eat his matched he matched my values just you
know matched him so I thought we you know I thought he was really committed I
you know based on what he told me he was really committed to you know to our
marriage even even little sayings except I remember him him using were you know
you know but they were it was all just life is all just it was all just a
facade but even still even still you the protection from all that comes from the
protection from that kind of abuse really comes from knowing yourself so it
is true that he was a he was a predator a social predator he was and probably
still is but I was his target because of my not mean you touch with myself so the
protection is that the protection is getting in touch with yourself and
having these really high standards for yourself and knowing that you have needs
and that you need your needs met and then looking to see how likely are they
to meet my needs and if I had asked myself that question I would have been
able to figure it out because it didn’t I knew that he was never able to meet my
needs but neither was anybody else my parents hadn’t been either so you know I
was used to that I was used to really not having meat that was used to not not
even knowing what my needs were if I had been we’re in touch with that I would
have been it would have it would have saved me so
it so I think that the time when we should be teaching romantic confidence
is like before before dating happens before before before independence really
happens like for driver’s licenses before like middle school I think in
middle school age would be perfect if we came in and we taught basically it would
be it would be you know before they because the reason the reason is the
reason marriage counselors Ramsey counters too late it’s because you’ve
already picked somebody you’ve already picked somebody you’re not gonna be
objective you know you’re not gonna be objective and you’re already in the mode
of wanting to make this thing work if you did this if you did this early early
on before you even started dating before you really started seriously dating and
becoming sexual and all that stuff you would tap into a whole other way of
looking at things and studies show that especially girls that do this have much
higher self-esteem much you know and it with much better outcomes in their in
their dating life much lower cases of depression both both genders both much
lower cases of depression lower drug use lower later more appropriate appropriate
signs of sociability and less you know really young sex and that kind of stuff
so uh you know I think that that you know
that’s really what the answer is so the answer is I was I came I was a late
bloomer I did eventually meet a really great guy and but but the reason was is
because I had gotten really okay with not meeting a great guy I got really
okay with my life as it was I liked my life I liked myself I knew who I was and
my life was working and and you know and that’s when he came along and I when I
went so when he and he was you know he was really trying to get me to and I was
holding him off for several years you know he was really wanting to get you
know he wanted to get married and stuff a lot more than I did and so that was a
good position for me to be in that was a good position for me me in particular to
be it I was ready that was ready you don’t have to be you don’t have to have
your life wiped out and be in your 40s and with two teenage kids before you
could be ready but in my case that was the path that it was for me and but I I
feel like I’ve got a really good partner now and era so there’s basically some
telltale points about about what you would call romantic confidence and they
are basically three points intimacy where you can be in tune with with each
other you can be honest with your feelings you can you can
express yourself and feel okay with expressing your needs and asking for
your needs to be met and then there’s the next thing as mutuality which means
that you understand you both do have needs and that that’s okay you know that
you can expect but you both have needs and have an interest in making sure that
both of your needs are met and then emotional regulation is a third piece
which means that you know nobody’s hair-trigger nobody’s pining away and
and not taking care and abusing themselves because they’re hurt sick and
you know and there’s not all this crazy roller coasters of emotions and anger
and lashing out and and silent treatments and all this dysfunctional
behavior that happens in in these abusive relationships that we all know
about the abuse of the emotional abuse that was going on in my marriage my
first marriage was outrageous and that never would happen in the marriage Simon
now because of these things because there’s intimacy because there is
mutuality and because there’s emotion regulation and those are those are
things that every person that’s in a in an adult relationship and a functioning
adult relationship needs to be able to do you know those are definitely things
that need to happen and so teaching those things early on because usually if
you can if you can tell if you get this high standards if you get high standards
early you’re never gonna end up in these pubs
in the first place you know so anyway that’s just what my
message is for tonight I just wanted to Here I am on the lake
Ness quite nice and early so my my little dogs are growling over here you
might hear a little bit of that but anyway I am I just wanted to kind of
talk about that series that I uploaded it it’s like two or three parts I’m in
Cancun when I do it and so there’s a lot of background noise and stuff that I try
and cut out as much as I can but but it’s a it’s a three part series about
the first part is about or it may be it’s maybe two parts about getting to
know yourself the second part is about how if you want to hang on your
relationship how to go about it so that it’s functional and not dysfunctional so
that you’re not losing yourself trying to do it so you can have self-respect
and so that so that whether it works or it doesn’t work the memory they have of
you a healthy person will have of you because the narcissist will make up the
memory of you but an healthy person will have of you is that you were basically a
good person who was confident and strong and you who they were you know not
someone who was threatening them or making making them feel guilty or you
know doing all these crazy things that we do yeah thanks a lot for checking in
and I talk with y’all again really soon hey
I’m in the process of moving right now so I’m a little bit I’m gonna be a
little bit not uploading as often it’s a fresh new start I’m moving to a new
place I’m gonna start a new and I’m just kind of kind of taking a step back but
I’ll still be here I’ll still be uploading just left just a little bit
less okay guys thanks a lot I’ll talk with you later bye bye

8 thoughts on “True Love After Narcissistic Abuse (Storytime) – Evening TV”

  1. This was recorded Live on Tuesday night, and has a false start due to dog issues. Please watch "Should I Stay or Should I Go: Know Thyself to Know the Answer" which is Part 1 of Series mentioned : Thank you for spending this time with me. I invite you to share, comment, like and of course subscribe if you haven't already. đŸ’•

  2. Michael Valentine Smith

    Good point about needing more relationship teaching early on. You have talked about love needing to be redefined as its not really understood. The same is true of most aspects of romantic relationships. There are too many subconscious behaviors and cues that are coming from models, from over romanticized depictions, marketing, etc. Really being confident in yourself and knowing what you want from a partner is what one needs to learn, and today that is from bad experiences for the most part. Maybe you could create a course for parents to go over with their kids.

  3. Hi Evening, narc parents are tough my mother was one, what's even tougher to deal with is a narc psychopath, narcopath father. Yes, I too wish they taught relationship skills and psychology in what was called Junior high and high school it would have diverted a narcopath frenemy husband! Take care and thanks!

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