TESTIMONY: Journey with Jesus | Freedom from Addiction, Depression and Suicide

TESTIMONY: Journey with Jesus | Freedom from Addiction, Depression and Suicide

What’s up YouTube my name is Ndiya, and
in this video I’m gonna go ahead and share my testimony – my journey with Jesus.
Para mi gente que habla espanol, voy a poner los subtitulos por abajo.
Pour mes gens qui parle le francais, je vais mettre les sous-titres.
Para o meu povo que fala português, vou colocar as legendas. So I’m gonna go
ahead and pray – Thank You Lord God for another opportunity, I thank you God
for waking me up this morning and for putting me to sleep yesterday night, I
thank you Lord God because you have a plan and a purpose for me and not only
for me but for everyone watching this video.
I praise You Lord God because you work in so many different ways and I know Lord
that you’re gonna continue to work in my life and the life of those watching this
video. I pray Lord God that as I share this testimony that you would touch
everybody’s hearts Lord God and that they’ll be able to know you and to come
to you Lord Jesus. I praise You Lord God for everything you have been doing, for
everything you are doing, and everything you will be doing in my life, and my
family’s life, my friends life, and in the lives of those who are watching this
video. For all glory and honor and power belong to You and to You alone in the
mighty name of Jesus Christ. Amen. So I’m gonna go ahead and try to make
sure that this video is not too long. I apologize in advance if you hear any
voices – I’m in my dorm room right now, and I also apologize if you see me looking
down a lot – I wrote everything in my in my tablet. So without further ado: I grew
up in a Christian household, in a Presbyterian, Nigerian-American household.
I knew who Jesus was but I didn’t really have a relationship with him. So when I was
very young, unfortunately – God, this is so hard to talk about. When I was young I was introduced to
porn – to pornography. I was also introduced to the concept of
sex. I didn’t really know what it was, I just knew that okay maybe at this age, this is
something I probably shouldn’t be looking at. What happened was that when I
was very young me and my family visited a family friend. I didn’t really
know other person, and so as the adults or whatever were talking and minding their
own business, I along with my siblings went with the children of that family.
One of the children of that family showed me a
specific website that had a lot of violent and gruesome, gore games. Part
of that website had different categories for specific games that the player
wanted to play. So if they wanted to play like shooting games or violent games,
then on the sidelines that you could choose it. But I was introduced to porn
in that way – it was like an animated website where people could play with animated people, to undress them and to dress them
and make them do horrible horrible stuff and so at that young age, I was
introduced to the concept of sex but I didn’t really understand what it was.
I knew that it was something bad but obviously – I think I was like five
or six – I didn’t want to go ahead and tell my parents on what I saw so I kind
of kept it to myself. Fast forward to when I started
elementary school – I know my parents at the time worked late and so they took me
and some of my siblings to daycare. In that daycare, we were allowed as children
to change our clothes and take off your uniform and to put on home clothes or
whatever clothes that the daycare provided. There was a day that – God, help me… There was a day where two of the
babysitter’s took me to a specific closet and undressed me and started to
feel me up and and touch me in a very sexual manner. And at that day or at that
moment, I didn’t really know what was going on, I just knew that it was
something that probably should not have been happening. But once again I was like
a six, seven year old. I didn’t have the courage to go home and tell my mom “Oh,
like the babysitter touched me or was molesting me,” so at that age I guess it’s
safe to say that my innocence was taken away. One thing I want to make
sure and to be clear is that the enemy, Satan, does not care whether you’re a
child or you’re old or Black or you’re White or Asian, Latino he does not
care – he can do anything that he will to make sure that your innocence is taken
away and that you are farther and farther away from God. So at that age you
can say that, you know, things that weren’t supposed to be happening,
happened. So I grew up trying to ignore the fact that I knew what sex was as an
elementary schooler, as well as the fact that I was molested at the age. So I grew
up trying to ignore it, trying to grow up more into the the Christian faith. So
when I was in middle school I was considered the the “Jesus Freak.”
I remember in middle school they would call me “Pastor Ndiya” because I had my
small little Bible and I would choose a little story within the Bible
and preach it to my classmates. But once again I didn’t really know anything
about Jesus. I guess you could say that I was kind of pretending to be a Christian
and doing everything that I could to avoid or cover up my past or what I was
was going through. Unfortunately at that age, in middle school as well, I was
introduced to porn. I think it was either in sixth
or seventh grade. You know how towards the end of the semester, towards
Christmas break when teachers are kind of tired of giving you homework or
or school work, so they kind of give you like crosswords and puzzles and stuff,
or they put like Christmas music in the background? What happened was, in that
video of the Christmas music, they had kind of like a slideshow of different
Christmas and holiday-themed pictures, and one of those pictures, unfortunately,
were females in bikinis. I was not in the class, but of one of my other
classmates had told me “Oh, Ndiya, our teacher showed us porn.” At the time, when
I was little, I didn’t know that what I was seeing at the time was called porn.
So, unfortunately, out of curiosity, I went back home and searched up what
pornography or what porn was and that’s where everything started again. At that
point you can say that I became more or less kind of addicted as a middle
schooler to watch pornography and – God… I became very sad and ashamed of myself,
especially at that age where I was already very active in my church as like
a Sunday School teacher or on the worship team, you know, to be at
home secretly doing it. I remember hiding in my parents room and watching it and
having to delete the search history knowing full well that, you know, other
people would be using that computer. Because of what was going on, I began to
doubt my faith a lot, I used to really reconsider, “Was I really a Christian, does
God really exist, like is this even real or am I just like this because I grew up
in the faith?” So because a lot of people were already looking up to me, I just pretended to
be to be a Christian. I didn’t really know anything about Jesus – I read my
Bible on Sundays, but that was it. I didn’t really know anything about God. When I
was in high school, I took a lot of advanced college courses. I took a lot of
AP classes and, with things that were going on personally in my life, I
became really stressed out. I also did not really have a lot of friends that I
could trust, so instead of meeting friends in person, I met a lot of friends
online. And of these “friends,” they would tell me, “You know, Ndiya, you’re like 16 or 17.
You’re really stressed out. One way that you can de-stress yourself and kind of
calm down is through masturbation.” Initially I thought, “Why would I do
something like that?” But eventually because I was so stressed I thought, you
know what? Let me go ahead and give it a try. I masturbated for the first time and,
let me tell you, once you wake up that sexual desire or that passion in your
life, it’s very hard to calm it down until it’s in its original way that God
designed it to be – which is in marriage. So because of that – because I was so
stressed all the time – instead of going to sleep, or taking a nap, or going for
a walk, I would always resort to masturbation to a point where I became
addicted to it. It became kind of like a switch up – If I wasn’t watching porn, then
I was masturbating, and if it wasn’t masturbation, I was watching porn. And
every time I would always I would feel less stressed – but because I watched it, or because I masturbated, I would feel ashamed of myself – and that
would again stress me out so it was just a horrible, demonic cycle, that
was hard for me to get out of. One of the other reasons that I tried
justifying masturbation was because I thought that I was ugly. Everybody my age
in high school was already dating. They already had boyfriends and girlfriends
And I thought that was just ugly, and that nobody liked me, nobody loved me,
and nobody ever would, and that I would never have that type of relationship
with the guy. So it was better that I just did it with myself and got it
over with. I realized that I didn’t really have a
lot of self-worth and so I found my self worth and compliments from strangers or
from masturbating, instead of my worth and my identity in
Jesus. In 2016, my grandma passed away and I was there to witness that and so it
kind of tested the very little faith that I had, but over in all, I can say
that I was very upset with myself and the way that my life was going in
secrecy, as well as I was very angry with God. Because I thought you know, “After all
these years of just trying to be a Christian, You take my grandma in that
way.” You know, I remember in the hospital praying and to have more faith,
that she wouldn’t go but, she went and so that tested the very little faith that I
had. It caused me to doubt even more. Fast forward – 2017 I went to college and I
didn’t want to commute back and forth, and so I made the excuse that I wanted
to live on campus. But one of the reasons why I wanted to live on campus was
because I just wanted to stay away from my family to kind of work on myself and
to, more or less, become a new person. I remember I went to orientation I went to
some of the camps that the college had and I thought you know what like I’m a
new person the people that knew me in middle school
in high school, they don’t know me anymore, I’m a different person – but all
in all I guess you couldn’t say nothing really changed. I thought that
during college I would start over especially in my faith, but not much
really happened. I didn’t really feel welcome. I had – I met and I had a lot of
friends, I guess you can say, that were there with me for some
rough times, but all in all I didn’t really have anybody that I trusted and
so I didn’t really feel welcome. University was actually when everything
started falling apart. Because my grades weren’t that great, I lost my
scholarship and I was put on Academic Probation. Because I was put on
Academic Probation, I wasn’t allowed to take a certain amount of classes, and
taking a certain amount of classes qualifies you to have governmental
financial aid, and so I lost my financial aid from the government as well. Because
things were just not going well for me, I decided “You know what? I’m gonna work, I’m
not gonna bother my parents about it, I’m not even gonna tell them that I lost my
scholarship, but I don’t have any money anymore I’m just gonna go ahead and work.”
So it was very difficult for me. I was also in my University’s military
program, so it was very hard to wake up at like four or five a.m. to do
physical training and then to go to class, and then to go to work, and then
after work go back to class, and then by the time I actually wanted to study, I
had no energy. Because my grades were dropping, I lost my financial
aid and I wasn’t even earning a lot of money. I became desperate and so my only other
chance to do well in college and to have some type of financial support was to
join the military. However I found out that I was actually medically
disqualified to join the military, and so at that point I kind of thought, “You know,
I’m not a lost cause and I don’t know what to do.” At that point, because I was
very stressed out, I developed migraines – really bad migraines – where just
waking up and seeing the lights would trigger it, or certain smells would
trigger it. I wouldn’t want to get out of bed and at that point I kind of
slipped into depression, and I really didn’t want to
admit that it was depression because at the time I had a bubbly personality, you
know, so for me to have depression – that that wasn’t a thing, right? Because the
migraines were so bad, I finally went to the hospital with my sister,
and when I was there I was explaining everything to my medical doctor, and the
doctor asked me, “Ndiya, do you think you are depressed?” My sister joked and said
“Oh, I hope not.” And at that point I knew I was depressed, but I didn’t want to admit
it and I didn’t want my doctor or my sister to look at me differently. So I
lied. So I lied and I told the doctor, “No, I’m not depressed.’ My doctor recommended
that I go to the my university’s on campus Counseling Center. I thought, you
know, like I’m not crazy, I’m okay, I don’t need any help,
I don’t need therapy – but because you told me I have to, I’ll go. Just a few
months before that, I began to have suicidal thoughts, thinking “You know what,
things are not really working out for me. What’s the point of me even being here?” I
went back to the University and I did what my doctor told me. I went
to the Counseling Center and I talked to the therapist and after explaining what
was going on and how I was feeling and the certain thoughts that I was having, the
therapist confirmed that – God, I’m crying so much. The therapist confirmed that I have
depression, and that since it’s the end of semester, I should continue to have
two or three more sessions with them, and then during the summer break I can go
and do more sessions. Because I was very upset with the way things were going, and
I just didn’t have motivation to do anything, I missed a lot of classes – I
had lots of absences. I remember waking up – I wouldn’t go to to military training
anymore, I wouldn’t go to class anymore. I remember my roommates joking saying, “Ndiya, like, you don’t even leave your bed anymore, you go to sleep
for eight hours during the night, you wake up for two hours, and you go back to
sleep. Are you depressed? Are you depressed? Like, are you okay?” And I would
joke along and say “No, like how can you say I’m
depressed? I’m not feeling well or I have another episode of the
migraines. I’m fine.” But the truth was, during those
moments where I wouldn’t go to class, or I wouldn’t get out of bed, or I wouldn’t
take a shower, or I wouldn’t eat, or I wouldn’t want to talk to anybody, was
because I was contemplating suicide. I thought that “Things are not working well
anyway so, what’s the point of me even continuing here?” I finished up my school year,
my freshman year of college with a change and mindset into something even
more negative. My initial mindset was, “I am wasting time
and I am wasting people’s money and I’m wasting energy.” It went from that
to, “I am a waste of time, I am a waste of money, I am a waste of energy, and I’m a
waste of space. And there’s no point in me being here. I might as well just die.” Because I was very sad and depressed, I
didn’t really want to talk to anybody. I noticed that I retaliated
a lot. I began to be more pessimistic than what I already was. In
the midst of contemplating suicide, I still had, you could say like, regresses
where I would think “You know what? Like life is actually worth it that I should
keep going.” But there’s certain moments where I was so down where I thought “you
know what? Today’s the day like, I’m this gonna end at all. It was Mother’s Day of
2018, when my church had a Mother’s Day service. Towards the end of the
service, I along with some other people, went in the back of the church helped me
to prepare food and to share food to the rest of the church.
There was a guy that came in that was making jokes – jokes that I didn’t really
appreciate or found funny at the time.
Because of my situation and my mental state, I retaliated in a very negative
way. He, rightfully so, retaliated and responded to me, and because of that
retaliation, I guess you could say that was my trigger point where I
said “You know what? Not even in the church are people
appreciating me or to see how I’m doing, or to see how I’m going or how I’m
feeling. If not even in the church, God’s people, are taking care of me, why
am I even here?” At that moment, I got my bags and I left the church. The service
wasn’t even over. I had gone in a separate car from my uncle and my sister –
my parents and my other siblings were around. So I drove that car home and
through blurry and tearful eyes I drove home.
Obviously I couldn’t see very well from the tears in my eyes. I remember
saying to myself while driving home. “If I get into a fatal accident because I
can’t see – if I get into a fatal car accident, it’s better. Because I just want to die. I remember crying home – going home and crying at the same time. You should have seen me – it was crazy. I wasn’t
paying attention anymore. The cars were swerving because I was just a mess. I finally got home. I was crying when I
opened the door, crying when I walked up the stairs, crying when I got to my room.
I just fell down on the ground in my bedroom. I was asking God for
forgiveness for what I was about to do. I knew I was saved, but I didn’t know what
was gonna happen to me if I did that horrible thing. I remember on the floor,
crying out to God, “Forgive me, Lord. Forgive me.” There’s a heaven and there’s a hell, and
I didn’t know where I was gonna go if I did it, but I remember telling God that, “I can’t do it anymore, and I don’t want to be here.” I remember on the ground contemplating
the different ways. I was like “Okay, if I get a knife and I cut deep enough maybe
I can bleed out fast enough, or I have a big bottle of painkillers and
Tylenol. If I just take enough, then maybe I could go faster. If I just get a
rope or a belt and get it over with.” But… Mother’s Day 2018, I was very close to killing myself. But by the grace of God, my uncle and my sister had come back from
church, So I didn’t have time to get to the
bottle of painkillers, or to get to the knife, or to get a belt. So I quickly went
to the bathroom and cleaned my face. and it was that day that I kind of reconsidered
taking my life, but I was very close and I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted
to be taken out of my misery. One thing that I want to be sure and to be
clear about, is that what I was going through, yes, was difficult, but what
happens is that Satan, the enemy, could take any little issue and amplify it – and
if you’re not focused on God, that small issue can be a very big issue to the
point of thinking that your life is useless and that it’s better for you to
go. It was later on that God showed me His thoughts towards me, and that’s how I
knew that God really loved me, that He cares for me,
and then when I hurt, He hurts as well. That God has feelings, and then I am
the apple of His eye, and I am His masterpiece. It hurts to say those type
of things. God showed me, like a vision I guess you can say. Imagine you have your
son, or your daughter, or your little sister, or your little brother, your
cousin, or family member that comes up to you and tells you that they want
to kill themselves – that they want to die. That hurts – it hurts a lot. And so it was at the moment that I knew that every time I was repeating – God showed me that every time I said I wanted to kill myself, or that I wanted to die that it hurt Him. And that He showed me that He does indeed care for me, and He thinks
about me. It was towards the end of that year where, I guess you could say, slowly
I was coming back to God. I was very hesitant, but I decided to actively seek
Jesus. I started to actively read my Bible, I started to actively pray. The
Bible says if you seek Him you will find Him. I think it’s better to say that
He found me. That, He was there the whole time, and that He had His arms open wide
to receive me, to draw me back to Him. I had a change in mindset. After reading
God’s Word, the Bible, I realized that, through Jesus Christ,
I have an identity – that I am the daughter of a Living God, that
He’s the King of Kings and Lord of Lords which it makes me not only his daughter,
but also royalty. He knew me when I was forming in my mom’s womb, that I am
the apple of His eye, I’m His masterpiece, and He indeed and in fact loves and cares
about me. While actively seeking Jesus, I decided that it was time for me to reset.
Towards the end of the year, I went on like a a three-day dry fast, actively seeking the Lord. In the meantime, I kind of reflected on myself
and I wrote a letter to myself. “This year wasn’t the best for you, bro. I know. If
anything, it was pretty rough. But if it is anything, you’ve learned a lot.
You’ve learned how to trust, how to surrender, how to accept things you can’t change,
accepting change in general, adapting, being more free, how to seek God
in suffering, that you are going to suffer, not everyone is your friend,
sacrifices are real, love is real, and you can learn from pain and from being hurt,
and a lot more. This year you fell away from God a lot. You cried a lot this year
too. You were depressed and sick. Tired, downright exhausted. There were episodes
where you were basically hopeless and wanted to die. But you picked yourself up
once again and dug deeper. Kudos! But it’s not over. You fell into sin and the shame and
discomfort and anger over and over and over again this year, but each time the
same loving and faithful God you serve was there to accept you. Do not take
advantage of that. Stop using His grace for sin. He gives you unconditional
and inexhaustible grace that covers you every day, every second, and in everything.
However, it came at a big price and you’re using that as an excuse to sin?
Big shame, Ndiya. But the good thing is that His grace covers your shame too.
He loves you so much but He doesn’t look at your sin. He sees you as a beautiful
and gorgeous daughter, a servant of God, the apple of His eye, His masterpiece, His
pride and joy, His image. It hurts him every time you say you want
to die. It hurts him every time you do the things that sent His son to the
cross. You’re insulting Him and every time you criticize yourself. You make Him
feel bad every time you look down on yourself. He doesn’t want to see you
hurting, and I’m sure you definitely don’t want to hurt Him either. So why do
the things you do? As long as you are living, breathing, and you wake up another
day, you have another chance to come back to God, you have another chance to run to
the arms of Christ and accept His forgiveness, you have another chance to
accept and feel His love towards and for you. You have another chance to change.
God loves you so much, Ndiya. He will never ever leave your side.
He never has! So I think He would ever do that in the first place? There are times
where you may feel you are alone, but you are never alone.
You have the Creator of the universe as your Heavenly Father and your friend. He has
such a great plan for your life, you can’t even freaking come close to
imagining it, bro. Trust in God, and I promise you, Him being who He is, He’ll show
up and show out like He always has – like he always does. God is not a man, He never
lies. If He says He’ll do it, you better believe He’s going to do it. You
got this. Don’t lose heart and don’t lose faith.
Keep going strong. God alone is your strength, and if He started a good work
in you, He’ll bring it out to completion. That’s what His Word says! Keep the faith,
and keep running the race, Ndiya. It’s not over yet.” One thing that I realized
was that – Satan, the enemy, really tried. He really tried to separate me from God,
but he failed. The Bible says that we shall overcome by the blood of the Lamb
and by the word of our testimony, and this is my testimony. That Jesus Christ
indeed and in fact saves, and that He loves you so much, and that He’s knocking
on the door of your heart, but it’s your choice
to open up to him. My prayer is that through this video, that there is at
least one salvation, that there is at least one person that would come to know
the love and the peace and the joy that is only found in Jesus Christ. I think
about it and I’m like – if it wasn’t for God, I would be dead right now. One thing
that I really want to make sure is that, it is only Jesus Christ that can
satisfy. All of us have a hole that can only be filled by Jesus Christ. You can
drink, you can smoke, you can watch porn, you can have sex, you can fornicate,
you could do all these things to try to have a temporary joy, but you will always
end up feeling empty. And that emptiness can only be filled through Jesus Christ –
believe me. The Bible says in John 3:16, that God so loved the world, that He gave
His only Son – that whoever shall believe in Him shall not perish, but have
everlasting life. God loved me so much that He Himself became sin and took the
punishment that I deserved. So much so that if I just believed in Him – the Bible
says that if you confess with your mouth that Jesus Christ is Lord, and if you believe
in your heart that God raised Him up from the dead, you will be saved.
God is not man, God does not lie, and what he says is true. The Bible says that
Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and nobody can go to the Father
except through Him. Don’t play with your life, bro. Don’t play with your life, bro.
Tomorrow is not promised – today, today is not promised. The Bible says that today
is the day of salvation. Stop playing with your life. Stop playing
with your life, because it would crush me to know that you heard the gospel and
that you rejected. Listen, if you’re watching this video, it’s for a reason. If
it watching this testimony, it’s for a reason. You did not click on this video
by accident, and I pray that you do make that vital decision, because this life is
very temporary compared to eternity. There was a certain point in my life
that I wanted to die. But God showed me that he loved me so much
to die and so now my life anthem is that Jesus Christ died for me, so now I live
for Him. Knowing full well that after this life, I will have eternal life,
because of what He did, not because of what I’ve done. And knowing full well
that the Word of God is infallible and true, I know this and I want you to know
as well, that anybody who calls on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ will be
saved. Make your decision. God bless you.

7 thoughts on “TESTIMONY: Journey with Jesus | Freedom from Addiction, Depression and Suicide”

  1. Ndiya, you are such a beautiful woman inside and out. Thank you for your transparency and vulnerability in leading others to the Lord. For He makes all things new…. and your journey is certainly an inspiration to us all. 🙂

  2. You are living proof of just how much God loves and cares for us. I love your testimony. I will be praying for you, and I know that you are and will continue to be the light and salt of the Earth, attracting people to God and His goodness!

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