Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic.
I remember it, so you don’t have to! And seeing how we’re still in the month of
“Nostalgia-ween”! [Charlie Brown theme] Random Psycho: RAAAA! HAHAHAHAHAH! I figure we would play a little game simply known as: “The Stephen King Drinking Game”. [music and applause] Good Ol’ Stephen King!
His pros are great, but his stories are crap. He has wonderful set-ups, but disappointing payoffs. He creates some great characters and fortunately you get to see them over, and over, and over again. And one of the best ways to see his continuing patterns is to look at the ass-numbingly long T.V. mini-series: “IT” [theme music] Based on the Stephen King book of the same name “It” is another one of those films that loves to succumb to the melodramatic, clichés that always seems to
make it to every one of his stories. But what really surprises me is how many people say they’re actually
AFRAID of this movie! And that’s why I’ve invented this
drinking game to calm your nerves. There’s a lot of movie to watch and a lot of booze to drink, so let’s take a look! First of all, take a shot if your Stephen King story takes place in Maine. Well, That didn’t take long. Yeah, our story takes place in Maine, where everybody has a checkered past, bullies make up most of the population, and cheesy lightning effects reign supreme. *Cheesy Lightning effect intensifies* In this particular town, we come across a girl
who sees a rather unusual sight. “Hi!” Tim Curry! And if that’s not scary enough, it looks like he’s
coming from the black mass of Ronald McDonald [monster-like roaring] So the kid gets murdered as Mike, the only Black man in Maine, notices that this is the 6th recent child killing. So he calls up his old childhood friends
to let them know what’s going on. He start with Bill, who grew up
into the back of a horse’s ass. Mike: “This is Mike Hanlon, Bill. From Derry.” This causes him to have a flashback, Which I’m NOT going to have you drink
to every time it happens because if you did, You’d be DEAD in the first twelve minutes! “Please Bill, tell me a story.” “Go b-bug someone else you little cootie,
I don’t feel so hot.” This is Bill as a young man,
played by Jonathan Brandeis. Piss off! Hmmm. He makes his brother, Georgie, a
paper boat for him to sail outside. Thankfully it’s the sunniest rainy day in history,
so he can go outside and enjoy it. That is, until the missing member of the
“Insane Clown Posse” comes to join him. “There’s cotton candy, and rides,
and all sorts of surprises down here.” “And balloons too!” “Do they float?” “Oh yes…” “They float, Georgie…” “They float.” I’m getting surprisingly aroused the more
I talk about how much they float! “YOU’LL…FLOAT…TOO!” [screaming] So the kid gets eaten by a sloppy dissolve effect, as his sad brother goes into his room feeling responsible. And it’s fair to point out that
this is actually a creepy scene here. [eerie music] The book starts to have its time of the month
when Bill calls for his folks to see it. But the parents surprisingly don’t
seem to see the blood on the book. “What were you doing in Georgie’s room?” “N-Nothing…Dad listen–!” “I don’t want you ever coming in here again, son.” “Do you understand?” How dare you try to mourn the loss
of your one and only brother?! [slapping sound] Cut back to the present day, as grown up Bill
decides it’s time to go back to Maine. “Leave? Have you lost your mind?” “We’re in the middle of making a movie!” Bill: “They can replace me.” Yeah, if I saw Tim Curry in a clown suit,
I’d probably leave production too. Oh, by the way, just to avoid future disappointment: Let’s take an early shot for a supernatural creature, who’s not given an explanation of exactly
what it is, or where exactly it came from. Oooohhh, that’s good let down! Meanwhile, we cut to another childhood
friend named Ben, played by John Ritter. Ben: “Would you believe I used to be fat?” Random Hooker: “I bet you were real cute.” “No, not just fat, but a regular butterball.” “You bet your fern I was. We used to say that as kids, ‘you bet your fern’, but I was F-A-T.” Random Hooker: “Nooo…”
Ben: “Yeah.” Oh… Fat kids are hot! Tell me about your boy tits! [phone rings] “Hello?”
Mike: “Haystack. It’s me Mike.” “You’re dead fat boy.” Okay, these flashback
transitions are getting a little silly. (Extreme close up! WOOOOOOOOAAAAH) Mike: “Listen, it…” “…It’s come back.” Ben: [gasps] Ritter says no to his hoe on the go, as he sits atop a tall building and ponders his past about being the new kid. “Welcome to Derry.” “Thank you, Ms. Douglas.” “Oink, Oink. What a porker.” “Henry Bowers, You will stay for one hour
after school, every day this week.” “Now, report to the principal’s office!” “You’re dead, fat boy.” Nostalgia Critic: Mmmm, THAT I’m going to allow. Threatening his life is okay, but calling
him a porker is simply going too far! So, Ben meets up with a girl named Beverly. They seem to hit it off pretty good, but
the chorus from Grease has other ideas. “I wanna make sure you remember my name.” “I’ll remember Henry, I’ll remember!” “How am I gonna make sure, huh?” Nostalgia Critic: Oh! I almost forgot! Take a shot for the one-dimensional bullies that have no development or redeemable qualities what-so-ever! Silly me, I thought I came across one
that had SOME form of humanity. N– So, he loses the bullies, as he comes across the kids from Stand by Me–I mean his classroom. And, of course, they become very good friends. But that doesn’t help smooth
things over with his step family. “Hey, Ma, listen to this!
Benny’s in love!” Ben: “Give this back!” “Oww, Ma! Ma!” Benjamin Hanscom! Stop that
immediately, you young ruffian! “I hate you! You’re only here cause
mom says it’s our christian duty!” Hey, take a shot for a heavy-handed slap
against conservative fundamentalists. [loud buzz] What? That doesn’t count?! Well, surely there’s got to be some
over-blown whine-fest against Christianity! [loud buzz] Oh, alright. I’ll have to read another one
of your stories to see that religion is evil. So Ben comes across some sort of sewer entrance, where the evil clown is waiting for him. “Come here son, You’ll like it down there!” [overlapping voices] “You’ll never have to grow up.” “Daddy?” “Yes, my dear. Would I lie?” “They float! They all float!” So the clown doesn’t really… hurt him or anything… …he just sort of points at him
and calls him fat. What a jerk. But we cut to yet another childhood
friend who gets a call, Beverly. Who’s hitting the sack with a co-worker in the 90’s who’s so successful that his mullet is almost reaching his knees. Beverly: “I got to go to Maine! That was Mike Hanlon on the phone.” “Remembered to call at work today,
he’s an old, dear friend I have to–” [loud slap] Oh yeah, I forgot. Everybody in a Stephen King story is a JACKASS except for the insecure poet and/or loser. I think that calls for another shot. [sighs] Why are you all spinning? “You get into bed–!” “No!” *Crash* Jackass bedmate: “Then maybe you can leave this house in two–” Beverly: No! “–days, instead of two weeks!” “Not ever, ever, ever AGAIN!!” “Bev, you need me! BEEEEEEEEV!!” [Chuckle] Nice emoting there, guy. “BEEEEEEV!!” BEEEEEEEEEV! Luckily, a cab comes to take her to our next flashback where we see that Ben has left a poem for her. “What’cha got there?” “Nothing!” “Let me see that.” “You’ve been fooling around with some boy?” “Sometimes I worry a lot!” “Daddy, please!” [loud slap] Jeez, no matter what scene this chick is in, she’s always getting a slap in the face. “YOU GET RIGHT THE HELL BACK HERE, BEVY!” “OR BEFORE GOD, I’LL WHIP THE SKIN OFF OF YOU!” Oh, of course! Rednecks! Can’t forget
about the rednecks! That calls for a shot! [motor stalling sounds] So she meets up with Ben and heads over to the– [hiccups] –And heads over to the rest of the Geeks and Outcasts who pretty much make up the only fucking decent people in this town! “It’s the River Nile! And four, count them, four Sphinxes.” “Richie Tozier is my name.” [buzzing] “And doing voices is my game!” Hey look, Seth Green is playing a funny geek
who spends most of his time doing voices. I’m… far too tipsy to make a joke out of that. So the gang gets together and starts making a dam. Why? Because it’s fucking Maine!
And by god, that’s as exciting as it gets! Hell, there’s even some famous jerk-off writers who write about it, that’s how exciting it is up there! So we see Beth and her father back at home and– ALCOHOLIC! They’re always in Stephen King stories, alcoholic! So she go– [loud thud] [slurred] So she goes to the bathroom sink where the clown’s snot bubble clogs up her drain and gets blood all over the place. Just like before, the grown-ups don’t see it. [ominous music] “Get to bed.” [Chuckle] Bloody boogers. heheh… Sorry, I think the alcohol’s started going to my…. Th’ camera’s purdy… Anyway, cut to the next childhood friend getting a call which appears to be Andy Dick
searching for his happy pills. “Where are you going?!”
Andy: “I got to go back to Derry!” “Derry?” “Why would you want to go
back to that dirty little town?” “There’s nothing for you there. There never was, Eddie!” Nostalgia Critic: Why is it these people have a talent for surrounding themselves with the craziest fucking nutballs?! Is anyone in this world outside
the main characters likable?! What kind of water are they drinking in
Maine to make them such assholes? Insert, here’s a big surprise, ANOTHER flashback. So we find out that Eddie was the kid with the Inhaler, as we see that his mother had
a tight grip on him even back then. Beth: “See you tomorrow, Eddie.” Mother: “Eddie has to rest tomorrow.” “I don’t want you to play with them anymore,
no good will come from it!” Eddie: “But ma, they’re my friends!” “You don’t need any friends,
Eddie, except for your ol’ ma.” Think that’s bad, you should see his brother. [violins screeching] [screaming] Speaking of shower scenes,
Eddie gets a doozie from the clown as he walks in the shower room and finds out that the showers in the gym, are stretching out…! Ummm…Yeah that’s about it. Kid can leave whenever he wants but doesn’t, so… …just kind of stupid Pennywise: “This is a little inconvenient, Eddie.” “Just hold on while I make a few adjustments.” Oh no! He’s being attacked by the California Raisins! Come on! That stop motion was horrible! “Here I am, Wheezy!” “Oh come back anytime! Bring your friends!” [Growls and laughs evilly] [Train whistle] Nostalgia Critic: Uh, then what happened? What? You’re gonna just stop there? Seriously? Come on! Fill us in! What? Did he just stare at him
awkwardly for the rest of the time? [Growls and laughs evilly] [awkward silence] [Looney Tunes theme] So we cut to the Seth Green kid all grown up when– Oh, hold on. Let me guess. [clears throat] THE PHONE RINGS AND ANOTHER FLASHBACK HAPPENS! [phone rings]
Mike: “Mike Hanlon from Derry!” We see Seth Green chased by the bullies again,
big shock, and runs into the principal. So he’s ordered to go downstairs
and come back up with a mop. [Chuckle] Cum… But he’s afraid because
he’s suddenly attacked by Teen Wolf. “HEEELP! HEEELP!” Wait. Wait let me guess again.
[clears throat] He turns into a killer clown, talks about his floating fetish, shows off his sharp teeth and then does nothing! “I’ll show you how to fllloooooooat down here.” Why doesn’t just eat these fucking kids?!
He’s eaten like half the other kids in the neighborhood! Why doesn’t he just finish them off?
And what the hell is more important in his time? Roar, I got you now, little boy! RAAAA–! [alarm sounds] Oh my God, it’s almost 3! [tv static]
[Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song plays] Alright, so you heard everybody else’s backstory. Where the hell does this “Mike” guy who’s making all these calls fit in? Well, guess what, the answer will be revealed in… [Drum Roll] ANOTHER FUCKING FLASHBACK!! It turns out Mike was the new kid on the block when, of course, he’s attacked by the bullies. Are these the only fucking bullies in the town!? Come on kids, give the
skinheads across the street a chance! They chase him over a fence as…
apparently they’re immune to barbwire, as he comes across the usual gang of rejects. [screams in pain] So they throw rocks to defend themselves
as they discover that bullies apparently aren’t immune to pain. They talk about how they’ve all seen the killer clown, And discover that he MIGHT have
been around for as long as 200 years. This literally gets the picture going as Mike’s book comes to life just to make the kids piss their pants again. [screams] “I’ll kill you all!” “Haha! I’ll drive you crazy, then I’ll KILL you all!” Sticks and stones may break my bones, but FIRST YA GOTTA THROW ‘EM! “I’m every nightmare you’ve ever had! I am your WORST…DREAM…COME…TRUE! Nostalgia Critic: Uhhh, why don’t they just close the book? Wouldn’t it be able to shut him up
if they just slam that thing shut? Clown: “Haha! I’ll drive you crazy,
then I’ll KILL you all!” [muffled screams of pain] Clown: “I’m every nightmare you’ve ever ha–” [muffled screams of pain] “I am you–” [light slam] “Worst dream–” “come true!” [music] ♫ I’m just a sweet transvestite ♫ [thud] So they vow to destroy the clown as Mike back in the present plans to make one more call. [ominous music plays] [loud pop] [distant evil laughter] BALLOON!!!! So Mike makes his last call to Stan, resulting in– Oh, blow me if you don’t know. Young Stan: “Courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.” They find out that Bev is really good with a Slingshot so she’s the perfect candidate to shoot SILVER into the monster. Friggin’ SILVER! Richie: “Mother’s earrings, baby.
Solid silver.” “That’s just stuff in movies!” Yeah, that’s just stuff in the movies! This is a killer clown that can
turn himself into a werewolf! You know. REAL LIFE! So they go into the sewer where they think the clown is, as it turns out the bullies are there waiting. Generic Bully #2: “Where they going?” Generic Bully #3: “Down in the sewer, stupid!” Henry: “Yeah? And guess what…” “They’re not coming back out.” Nostalgia Critic: Did you get that audience?
Okay, in we go. So they go into the sewer to try and fight the monster. This is really suspenseful because I have no idea which characters are gonna make it out alive
except for all of them. Henry: “Now..Before you die,” “I want you to think about every rock you threw… Nostalgia Critic: Dop! Dop! The one-dimensional villain
sees murder as the only option! That’s in every Stephen King story!
[slurred] I say that calls for another shot. [glass clinking] [loud thud] Ahh… [thudding] [slurred] Hallo, friends. I’m your Vitameatavegamin… boy. Are you tired, rundown, listless? Do you pop out at parties? Are you unpoopular?
[loud thud] O..kay! So this bright flashing light
that’s supposed to be the clown, I guess, comes in and kills two of the bully boys. Oh wait, you forgot to scare them for two months
and brag about how things float! Ah well, one kid gets sucked through a pipe
like Super Mario Brothers, and the other kid just turns into Billie Idol. Why doesn’t he just kill that kid?
Because he is a very stupid clown. Meanwhile the kids hold hands because that
apparently weakens the monster’s power. It’s like a Care Bears Special, I guess. When Tim Curry pops up and FINALLY tries to kill one of these brats! “This is battery acid, you slime!!” [hissing] Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, yeah. This is what
you were afraid of the whole time, guys. An acrobatic stop-motion clown
with a flashlight coming out his head! I’m drunk and even I’m not afraid of that. So they think they killed it, and make a promise that if he’s not dead, they’ll come back to finish the job. Well, it’s years later, the clown is back
and we find Stan is just a filthy cheater. [eerie music plays] [thud and crash] Nostalgia Critic: Oh no,
she dropped her can of “Beer” beer. Isn’t that the drink that the movie “Steel” made famous? [eerie music continues] Nostalgia Critic: Oh Gee, that was nice of him. To leave the world’s briefest suicide note. Did he really feel that would explain everything? Oh wait, before I go I should
probably explain the situation. “IT” And they can figure out the rest from there. [yells] So Mike and Bill reunite, as Bill sees just how much has changed and how much has not changed. “Yours?” “Hey, I’m a Bachelor, Bill. It’s all I need.” “Apparently running around talking about killer clowns scares the ladies off.” Meanwhile Richie, the Seth Green kid, gets a different kind of welcome. Clown: “Come on up, Richie.”
[yells] [carnival music plays] Pennywise: [cackles] Ah, it’s those wonderful balloons where even though no one can see or feel them it still makes people somehow flinch. “If you see–.” Pennywise: “EXCUSE ME SIR!” “Do you have Prince Albert in a can?
You do? Well, you better let the poor guy out!” “Waha! Waha! Waha!” [laughs]
Maybe it’s because I’m drunk or something but.. Tim Curry’s a riot! Were people really scared by this guy? He’s hilarious! I don’t even think his scene is suppose to be this long, I think he just decided to stay on set and annoy everybody. Richie: “–that I had to go…That I had to get cleaned up!” Nostalgia Critic: Uh, Tim? You’re done for the day.
Could you please piss off?” “Tell him, I’ll see him, tonight!” Nostalgia Critic: We have a movie to film here, Tim,
and you’re really not helping. Please leave? Okay, we’ll just shoot around you. Don’t worry people, he’ll get punished.
He’s gonna be in Charlie’s Angels soon enough. Both Eddie and Beth have similar incidents where the clown pops up and scares them. But again, why doesn’t he just kill them? [ominous music plays] Clown: [laughing evilly] Boy, they’re really banking on
balloons being scary, aren’t they? Did they really think that’s gonna threaten people? If that’s the case: Maybe this movie was a stalker film. Okay, so they meet up at a Chinese
restaurant for a nice big reunion. While the camera circles around
the table enough times to make you puke, though, to be fair, maybe that’s from this
OBNOXIOUS drinking game, we see the only surviving bully is now in a mental institution, where he’s transformed into Matt Locke. Pennywise: “Up here!” “You helped me once, remember?” Oh hey, it’s a beautiful Tim Curry out tonigh- [screams] Kill them all. Kill them all. Kill them all.
Kill them all. Kill them all. Kill them all. “I’m the shadow on the moon at night,
filling your dreams to the brim with fright!” Meanwhile back at the restaurant,
we see that the fortune cookies have been replaced with Marilyn Manson’s windup toys. Which of course scares the living shit out of them. This leads them back to the library where they try to figure out “What the heck’s keeping Stan so long?” “You tell that loser that if he hasn’t left already, he’s a dead man, we all managed to show up!” Richie: “I have never felt so much
love in one room in my entire life.” “It’s great to be back in Derry,
breathing in that old “Derry-air.” Well, they continue to be incredibly inappropriate as we build up to the obvious dramatic payoff in 3 2 1 “Stan is dead.” Oh no! We were assholes! Well, let’s mourn his loss with another flashback. Eddie: “He said he didn’t mean to go into that house.
But this voice kept…whispering to him.” [scary music plays] [growling] Okay, I must really be gone,
because that looks like a mummy. Seriously, we’re using mummies now? This isn’t a Stephen King movie,
it’s a “Abbott and Costello” knockoff! “He was trapped…” Eddie: “The only thing he could think of to do was to hold his bird book out in front of him like a shield and say as loud as he could the names of
all the birds he could remember.” Whaaat…? “–hold his bird book out in front of him like a shield and say as loud as he could the names of all the birds he could remember.” Whhyyyyy? “Speckled grouse, Baltimore oriole… great egret…heron…woodpecker…brown thrasher.” Nostalgia Critic: Oh wha–And it worked!? What the hell? What sense does that make?! What? Are Mummies just
allergic to the sound of bird’s names? [demonic voice] European Swallow! [roaring] “I hadn’t thought of it until just now, I swear.” “He said ‘I looked into it’s deadlights…
and I wanted to be there”. Bill: “Deadlights…?”
[eerie music] Nostalgia Critic: Okay, what is up with these stupid
sound effects whenever there’s a flashback? I mean will any sound effects do? I looked into it’s deadlights. [cartoon drum sound effect] You looked into it’s deadlights?!
[victory trumpet] I looked into it’s deadlights! [rooster crows] Mike: “I’m sure I got something here.
Anybody else?” Beth: “Yeah.” Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God, MORE BALLOONS! More balloons! Hide your family!
Get down! Balloons aaahhh…! Seriously, will you KNOCK IT OFF?! There’s balloons everywhere in this picture. They’re not frightening! I mean, come on!
When is a balloon ever gonna look intimidating? I– [foreboding music plays] [frightening crescendo] [stifled gasp] [eerie decrescendo] So the “scary-as-fuck” balloons come
out as they see Stan’s head is inside This would be somewhat scary until… “Sorry I’m late! Well, let’s see who’s here!” Stan: “Richie, you still here?
We never expected you to stick around.” “Nice nose job. No one would ever suspect.” “Haystack! Putting on a little weight, huh?” “Wheezy, how’s your sex life?” “What’s your sex life?” This is turning into a stand-up
routine at Jeffrey Dahmer’s house! [Pennywise taking over Stan’s voice]
“We all float down here, and you will too.” “They all…FLOAT!!!” So I guess they don’t find the talking head
that funny and they get the hell out of there. Meanwhile, we see the bully escape
from the mental hospital by– [ominous music plays] [barking] [screaming] [laughing] [still laughing] It’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life… Huh? It’s supposed to be scary? No it’s not, it’s supposed to be funny!
It’s a dog, dressed up as a clown in slow motion. Ny- Huh? That was really supposed to be scary? Well, it’s not… IT’S NOT!!! So after the– [Laughs]
Okay, okay! They figure out that the clown attacks
or “FEEDS” if you will, on people every 30 years. Oh, and apparently the whole entire town is in on it too. How do they know that? Get this: Because when Bev was a girl getting beat up once,
an old man went back inside. Yeah. Because that one dick-cheese didn’t help her, that apparently means the whole town is crazy. Beverly: “I couldn’t believe it, he… he just
turned around and went inside.” Beverly: “That’s when it really hit me.” “There was something terribly
wrong in Derry, WITH Derry.” ISN’T IT OBVIOUS?! Well, anyway, Matlock attacks Mike
but they manage to fight him off and kill him. They bring Mike to a hospital
as Bev starts to analyze the situation. “Why is it doing this?” “Why does it hate?” “Why is it…so mean?” You would think that a psychotic,
killing clown would be a little nicer! “How could I be so blind?” Ben: “If you see it now, you’re not blind anymore, Bev.” Nostalgia Critic: Boy, this chick really gets around, doesn’t she? I mean, I think she’s literally felt up
every single person in this group. I can see why they hung out with her,
she’s easier to get into than an art college! Mike: “Be careful, you can’t trust anyone.” “If anybody asks, party got out of hand, dancing on a table and you took a fall” “Anyone who’s seen me dance will buy that.” Nostalgia Critic: Well that’s great. And how are you going to explain the DEAD, ESCAPED MENTAL PATIENT?! You’re not seriously suggesting you
walk out of here and leave him lying there? “You’re not seriously suggesting we
walk out of here and leave him lying there?” Bill: “Yeah, that’s what I’m suggesting.” [loud slap]
WHY DON’T YOU CALL THE POLICE?! “This whole town is ‘It’ in someway, all of them!” [eerie music begins] “Bill’s right.” Really?! We’re still on this?! Because one old fart went in and jerked off that means the entire town is crazy?! Here’s an idea! You’re all seeing killer clowns… Maybe YOU’RE crazy! Did that ever occur to you,
you crazy sacks of crazy CRAZY?! So they all decide to go back into the
sewer and kill this thing once and for all. So what kind of weapons are they bringing, you think? “I don’t suppose anybody thought to
bring anything really useful, like a machine gun?” Bev: “I brought this.
It’s the only thing I saved from those days.” Oh, that’s great, they’re bringing a slingshot! They can either bring a MACHINE GUN, or a SLINGSHOT. RAMBO, or DENNIS THE MENACE. You’re going down Mr. Wilson! PEW! PEW! PEW! Richie: “Oh, come on, guys!
What the hell are you gonna do now, sing Kumbaya?” “Wake up! Take a breath.” “You smell that? That’s death!” You hear the wind? That’s death! You feel the ground? That’s death! You feel the inching in the back of your head?!
That’s probably a mosquito. Mosquito of DEATH! So they make their way down to the retired Star Trek set, where Bill’s wife happens to be trapped in the cave. Yeah, apparently she was heading to Maine
to bring her husband back and the clown got her. …which is POINTLESS seeing
how he can take on any form, but I digress. As they get the the heart of the sewer, they finally see the monster for what he really is. [ominous music plays] Nostalgia Critic: What…?
Whaaaaat!? [studders] WHAT? Nostalgia Critic: We waited THREE FUCKING HOURS
for THAT?! You can’t be serious! YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS!! If I heard that a movie called “It” was just
building up to a big, silly monster, I THINK THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER PAY OFF!! I mean, seriously? Seriously?! My god…So you’re telling me this whole fucking time, we were building up to— [rumbling] SPIDERS! A giant legion of spiders! GOD DAMN IT, DOCTOR SMITH! This is really what you and
Stephen King find frightening?! YES! My dream is finally realized! I– [sniffing] What smells like urinated whiskey? Oh, it’s me I’ve been playing
the Stephen King Drinking Game. Oh, good God, man!
That’s been known to kill people! [slurred] Hey…You know what else has
been known to kill people? I’ll tell you…THIS! [loud bang] That’s right. HOLD STILL!
[loud bang] Hold still! I’m gonna shoot all five of you! [loud bang] YOU’RE GOING DOWN SPIDERMAN! [loud bang] Not the super hero the….the YOU! [loud bang] I’ll just show myself out. [loud bang] Yeah, you BETTER run… So yeah, they’re fighting a giant spider, an unbelievably fake looking one too. They all start getting sucked into it’s “deadlights” until Eddie has an idea. “This is battery acid… Now you disappear!” [roaring] [Eddie screaming] Nostalgia Critic: Well, that was a stupid idea, guy. Maybe that “machine gun” theory would have worked after all! [screaming] So Eddie gets killed, but luckily Bev shoots it in the glowing ball sack, that seems to kill it. Oh wait. No, sorry. They tip it over like a cow first
and then they rip its heart out. Truly, this was a battle of wits. So they all go back home
to their normal selves, except for Bill’s wife. who seems to be in a zombie-like
state because of the giant spider. But somehow riding downhill
on a bike seems to make her better. [triumphant music plays] So yeah. The character that had like two scenes, a few lines of dialogue, and barely any presence, She’s gonna be okay. Yeah, I know you were all on the edge of your seats about that, but yeah, she’s gonna be okay now! So, of course, all that buildup leads to an unbelievable let down,
which is the ultimate staple of Stephen King, which means, that gives us our very last shot! THIS MOVIE SUCKS! I mean the stuff with the kids is tolerable because the kids themselves are actually pretty good actors, And, of course, Tim Curry’s a lot of fun, but half the adults are just terrible! The plot makes no sense, it’s melodramatic as hell, and it all suffers from the Stephen King stereotypes we’ve seen a bajillion times before! And plus… WHAT’S WITH ALL THE BALLOONS?! They’re not scary! Why do they keep thinking they’re scary? What, were they high? I mean, seriously. Who in their right mind would ever think a balloon is sca– [threatening music plays] [knocking] Hey, Critic, I got a new script here,
tell me what you think. [silence] [suspenseful music plays] [screaming sound clip] [carnival music plays] Bev: “Why is it so mean!?”