Self Blame After Abuse: WHY We Turn to Self Hate

Self Blame After Abuse: WHY We Turn to Self Hate


Hey everybody welcome back to Trauma
Talk I am Jo Beckwith so I am still recovering from surgery so I’m a little
unsteady if I seem like I’m kind of tipping over that’s why I put up a post
yesterday on Facebook asking you guys what you’re thinking about what you’re
wondering about if you had any questions because I have a lot of ideas for videos
but I would love to know what you’re thinking about and one question I
received was about self blame and this is something that I’ve done videos on
past but I feel like you could probably do a whole channel on it because it’s so
so difficult and so common for survivors to blame themselves and to turn to feel
self-hatred and self and guilt for their abuse and I definitely definitely
experienced this I’ve given examples before some things that have worked for
me like substituting someone else in my own story and realizing that I would
never ever ever blame them for anything but I realized that doesn’t work for
everyone and also didn’t fix self blame for me it was just a helpful tool I want
to talk about a reason why I think we self blame because I think understanding
why we do things it’s a step towards growing the step towards maybe learning
to love ourselves and a step towards not doing that so um I always wondered why I
hated myself so much and you think if you feel something there’s probably a
reason to it like it probably makes logical sense and so we tend to believe
our feelings but the fact of the matter is that feelings don’t necessarily
reflect reality just because you feel like it’s your fault it’s not your fault
and if someone chose to abuse you you do not choose for that to happen I think
it’s a really complex issue but I think one of the reasons we so often blame
ourselves is because if we didn’t we would have to come to terms with the
fact that we honestly had no control and I think that that is one of the most
terrifying things in the entire world I know that when people victim pling
it often has so much to do with disillusion as having control when
people say I would never you know take a drink from someone a party or I would
never go jogging alone or I would never be in a house alone with a strange man
in our strange woman or whatever whatever it is those statements are
assuming that you have control over your own life and the fact of the matter is
on someone assaults you or when a natural disaster happens or when
whatever it is occurs that that causes trauma to come into your life you did
not cause that to happen you don’t ask for that to happen and you don’t have
control over that and so when people make these statements I think they think
that they can protect themselves and when we blame ourselves we are
suggesting that we could have prevented it we could have stopped it and that we
had control in the matter and the reality is is that we did not and I
think of this idea the idea of not having control over our lives and the
idea that someone can take control over us is honestly more terrifying than
blaming ourselves than hating ourselves cuz hey at least we could have stopped
it right not really we couldn’t have and that’s that sucks but really sucks and I
know at least for me that’s a thought I don’t want to grapple with I don’t want
to realize that I literally had no control that someone took control of me
took control of my life of my body and did whatever they wanted there’s a kitty
for comic relief. Thanks that’s little Cakes her name is actually Lady but we
call our Cakes…I think there are obviously a lot of reasons why we blame
ourselves but I think that might be the root of a lot of it my counselors talked
about this before – both with victim blaming and self blaming it all comes
back to this idea of control and the problem with violent crimes against us
is that we do not have control in those situations and that is a horrifying
thought because we like to think that we have some grasp on our lives we have
some control on our futures when the reality is is all we have control of is
our actions and our reactions as I’ve started to make peace with that idea
some of that self blame has started to dissipate as I’ve started to realize I
actually don’t have control over what other people do I’ve
realized that what was done against me was done against me and it wasn’t my
fault and I absolutely have flare-ups of
hating myself and flare-ups of thinking I’m just running through all the
scenarios of what I did get myself in that situation and all of that stuff but
the fact of the matter is you are not to blame for what happened to you and I
think perhaps the first step to minimizing the amount of blame you put
on ourselves is to realize that feelings are feelings and not reality and so when
we start to go through all of this self blame in your head instead of accepting
it as reality and then yes that is accurate if you can start to say that is
how I feel that is not reality that’s kind of a cheek against it that’s
a chip in its Armour and I think secondly if we can start to realize that
we don’t control what other people do we can only control our actions and our
reactions and that the idea that we don’t have control is a is a terrifying
thought but it’s one that we can reckon with it’s one that we can put our hands
around and it’s when we can make peace with I think that’s another step towards
not hating ourselves so much and not blaming ourselves so much so this will
not be the last video I do on blaming ourselves for trauma that has happened
to us because it’s pretty much a never ending topic but I just wanted to kind
of address one reason why I think we blame ourselves so much let me know what
you think does that resonate with you is that not at all steam accurate in your
situation I would love to know if you’ve any other ideas why you think you blame
yourself I would love to hear them let me know in the comments! I am Jo Beckwith
and this is Trauma Talk I really appreciate you guys listening hit
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to have you guys tuning in to future videos I released videos every other day
on topics like surviving trauma and life with mental illness and and mental
health issues so hit subscribe or like and I look forward to seeing you guys
next time thanks so much take care of yourselves!

20 thoughts on “Self Blame After Abuse: WHY We Turn to Self Hate”

  1. That is absolutely the case for me. This is how my internal argument goes every time:

    “What happened to me was my fault.”
    “No it wasn’t.”
    “If I had never gone there, it never would’ve happened.”
    “You didn’t know that was going to happen, or else you wouldn’t have gone there.”
    “True, but after it became a pattern, I still just kept going.”
    “That’s because you believe the good in people. Also you were 14, naive, and didn’t know what to do. This was basically all you knew and if it’d been your fault, you wouldn’t be in therapy—you’d be in jail.”
    “But I still feel like it’s my fault. I know I didn’t want what happened, but I could’ve told my someone.”
    “Just because you kept it to yourself for a while doesn’t change things. Let’s say you told Mom after the first time it happened. You’d still be blaming yourself for that one time, when none of it was your fault.”
    “It’s just hard to believe the good about myself.”

    And this can either continue on for a much longer time, or I make it stop, it just depends on how I’m feeling and doing that day. It’s absolutely a control thing, because I never feel like I have control over anything and that saddens me

  2. Ive wasted so much of my life due to self hate and inaction. I hate myself for that. Ive hated my self for 10 years. I dont know how to stop being lazy and insecure

  3. I do think you should mention that studies prove that people view women as objects when they show more than 40 percent of their body.
    Its horrible but i think it should be shared. Use it or not. It could be useful to know

  4. Alot of times people who continue to date / hook up with abusers in general is because they subconsciously seek validation from them, generally very empathic people tend to fall for this and are what the abusers look for. Do yourself a favor especially if you're young and just starting to date so you dont end up traumatized. You dont need validation from anyone !! Find someone whos gonna strive to make you the best version of yourself ! Also study people closely and look for subtle lack of empathy in people / how manipulative they are

  5. In the Summer of 1993 I got assaulted twice and a third time of Christmas that year. This a was a false friend at my house in my room. Another person constantly harassed me in high school and touched me in places I didn't want to be touched. He also used a slur towards me even though I'm straight. I feel so ashamed and started saying I hate myself.

  6. Ive been watching these videos from old to new and there is always some nugget if wisdom that stops me in my tracks and makes me think /feel, alot of times to tears. What hits me hardest in this video is that thorough all the therapy, self help books Ive plowed through, never do they say "Hey, this is hard and requires maintenance." So i self talk myself into blaming myself for the abuse, all the percived failures of the tools i used, and the fact that i can't seem to stay out of the hole. You gently remind me that it isn't my fault and it's OK to be where i am right now and it is a struggle. Thank you for helping me validate myself and not feel so alone.

  7. This truth is one I've been dancing around ever since the fall out after the aftermath syndrome started. my psychotherapist hinted at it… I've seen it in my subconscious but I didn't think that that really would be the root answer ..it seemed too simplistic.. I was afraid to look at the lack of control as an issue I was afraid it would make it seem like I was the narcissist. it seemed like it would be something deeper and crazier like some horrific scene from my childhood but even the narcissist does what he does because he must have control so now that I've experienced the pain of the loss of it.. I can understand why he does what he does… I still hate him and want him to burn in hell… I'm so glad I found you video to confirm that maybe the deepest fear I had wasn't true and this is something while horrific. I can live with & come out of. Blessings & thank u

  8. Thank you! Sometimes even seemingly small traumas can feed self blame loops, helping understand why we do it is a great way of making them stop and reclaiming our power!

  9. Ángela González

    I keep blaming myself for what happened, and It makes me feel really bad. I am doing EMDR and i am starting to work this with my therapist. I hope i process It correctly. Thank you again for sharing. It makes me feel less alone and gives me hope seeing you work through the same issus. I admire you! Sorry for my spelling, english is not my mother language.

  10. hate, rage, revenge are not girls (and nice good boys) stuff! they 're labeled as negative to criminal!

    switch from yoga, ballet spa's , beauty salons to martial arts,shooting club, hunting defend yourself!
    (you don't need to stop yoga ballet classes and spa's!)

    Revenge doesn't mean killing them!
    Hit them financial or legal!

    we freeze because of not having a marines combattraining! Girls, nice boys geeks and nerds! the only selfblame is!? he or she doent be in a state of R.I.P. or in jail!

  11. Thank you for your perspective. I think you are absolutely right. If I may be permitted, I’d like to expound on this a little further by describing my own situation. I believe when we blame ourselves when we shouldn’t (for situations let’s say involving another person), we are assuming the blame because we know (even if it’s not conscious) that we cannot change the other person. We know we can only change ourselves. In my situation, I experienced the loss of a romantic relationship. My girlfriend behaved in ways that she even admitted were “crazy” at times. She wanted me to accept her behavior as understandable… even justifiable. Yet, she really didn’t extend that courtesy to me. At least, I feel, to the extent that communication shouldn’t have broken down, and the relationship simply discarded. The funny thing is (though it’s really not funny) she never apologized for the HURT she caused me. In her words, she only apologized for “mistakes” she made with me. I felt she really didn’t take responsibility for how her behavior hurt my feelings. I know some will say, no one is responsible for our feelings. I understand that position, but I respectfully disagree to an extent. I feel…if she hadn’t behaved in the way that she did, I wouldn’t have reacted the way that I did, and not feel what I felt. I think certainly our actions DO influence other’s reactions. I think we CAN hurt other people’s feelings. I think we all know this. I think that is part of human nature. I believe she should feel some responsibility for how her actions affect my reactions. I think this is also true regarding me to her. I don’t think it is a natural response to say that someone can treat another like crap, and it is simply up to the other to not react to it, and let it not hurt them. I feel sometimes that is asking too much out of someone. I think we need to realize our behavior can sometimes be very damaging to another, and we need to be sensitive to that. It comes back to accepting responsibility for our role in a relationship. She went so far as to tell me what I was feeling… what I wanted… and what I had failed to give, and do for her. She didn’t even ask me how I felt. She just proceeded to TELL me what I felt… as if she knew what was inside of me. Everything was about her needs, and wants. I started to question everything about my behavior. I certainly felt a total loss of control of my reality. Because I wanted to “fix the problem”… I didn’t want to lose her… I started believing everything I felt about myself was wrong, and everything she said about me was right. I did this even though I knew this way of thinking wasn’t true! It was totally bizarre! As a result, I placed myself under a tremendous amount of emotional stress. I began to feel a real sense of helplessness and emotional pain. I wanted this pain to go away so badly, I was willing to go to the extent of erroneously accepting ALL the blame. My “self talk” became awful. Because of this, I rationalized… if she can’t see what is obvious to me, there must be something wrong with my point of view, and nothing wrong with her’s. It must ALL be my fault. By accepting all the blame, I now have a chance to fix the problem, because I can only fix myself. But, now I created a path based on a faulty premise: I was entirely the problem. I believed, if the relationship had had any chance, everything that needed to be fixed concerned only me. I now know this is not true. Yet, I was willing to believe this because I wanted to regain control of some sense of what I believed was real. It’s been a long, tough road, but I hope I am back on a better path. Thank you for listening.

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