Live Q&A: Can I Heal In A Toxic Environment? How Do I Deal with Jealousy?

Live Q&A:  Can I Heal In A Toxic Environment?  How Do I Deal with Jealousy?

wants to do this I'm starting at a couple minutes early because that gets it out to you guys around 5:00 p.m. so today if you're new to the group today is Thursday in Thursday's when you get answers to the questions you've got I call it the got and questions get answers day so today we had a few questions now if you're here live you can always just post it and the chat and I'll also answer your question there all right so I want to do this first question comes in is can you heal in an environment to make you sick and no not generally you can't what you can do is you can make a lot of progress but it's a lot like trying to run a marathon when you have a flu first you gotta get the environment changed so that it can promote your healing now some of that change can come in by resolving trauma getting a better therapeutic structure in place getting skills in place better understanding in place that helps you tolerate the environment until you have an opportunity to exit the environment the real goal here is not to become tolerant of toxic environments people or situations the goal is to heal so that you can get to a point where you can leave that toxicity and start building things that are fundamentally healthy for you so to accomplish total healing now you can't do that in a toxic environment you're gonna need a different environment for a simple fact that real healing we're talking about narcissistic abuse we're talking about emotional trauma things like that isn't about fixing anything it's about becoming aware of and connected to our identity or value in our connection so they become nurture our needs in our wants in a way that validates invigorates and expands us and you can do that in a toxic environment because the toxic environments not feed your needs you're going to need to have space to build new friendships and new connections and experiences so that you can get your interpersonal needs and wants met and start building solid exulted support network going to play network for you because all relationships that are healthy have a good balance of companionship and intimacy support and play and toxic environments typically don't have any of that going on generally if we're dealing with like the narcissistic or consumer supply relationship then there's only one person in the relationship and that's the narcissist or the abuser you can't really heal in that plus in toxic systems that we encounter retrigger re-traumatization re experiencing the event we're trying to heal from or the concepts we're trying to work out in our mind and since we can't feel safe to accomplish what we need then we're gonna really struggle to heal all healing period whether it's a trauma whether it's codependency whether it's anxiety or insecurity or anything like that requires a container of safety which we can grow and explore and experiment in you're not going to heal without that in that container so ideally you're gonna have to create a container in your environment that is safe and reliable for you so you can start making that healing happen okay so there you go for that question good question by the way okay so and then jealousy let's talk a bit about jealousy so if you're new to me and if you're not new to me you'll you'll quickly discover that my philosophy around codependency around trauma are all about me it's all about the fundamental needs we have and getting those needs met so codependency is in need for for safety so we can avoid being discarded or thrown away or abandoned right so we fall in the brain goes into it spawns Dane's please the person so we can get our need met the need is to have identity valuing connection and experiences love jealousy is the expression of a need they need to be valued they need to be as important as another resource okay it's to feel like we genuinely matter to the other person now this can be a little complex because sometimes jealousy is a valid signal about an imbalance in a relationship and sometimes it's a signal about our imbalance about owning or value if we have made somebody else responsible for how we feel about ourselves we're telling ourselves stories about their behavior and their choices that make us jealous that's very different than being in a relationship with a partner that is not actively engaged with us and not actively nurturing and appreciating and in receiving us okay so you have to look at the context of what jealousy is in and what's coming up there and then we can look inward and and explore that now this doesn't mean it's just when I say partner I'm not just saying like an intimate partner or spouse I'm saying like a friend or a sibling or a parent or even market if you're in business we tend to get jealous of other people's successes things like them and so jealousy is a call it's a signal to you that you'll have an unmet need and then we need to look at what's going on in the context of your experience to see where that need is not being functionally met is it not being functionally met in the prioritization of you in a relationship context of some sort or are you displacing your value onto somebody else's inclusiveness of you okay because if it's bad then we can start looking at the situation and analyzing that's where an analysis actually becomes useful for us we can analyze a piece of part the situation the context to see if we're actually being valid and we're just missing the cues because our programming is in the way or if indeed there is an issue we need to look at so jealousy is just the need they need to be valued to need to be a priority someone else and we need to make sure we're making ourselves a priority to now for instance if we're jealous of someone who has something we don't have now we know what we want now we can check and say is this jealousy is this awareness that I'm gaining from my jealousy is this what it's trying to point out to me we can ask that kind of question and then if we're liable if we light up get energized by it then we have this awareness of something bigger for us that's a big deal now we know how we know what we want but funding but usually when I'm when I see it especially myself it's usually because I'm judging myself against them and thinking I come up short that's what makes most people jealous oh they've got that and I don't I'm jealous maybe we do have it we just need to exercise our awareness of it so we can receive it or maybe we need to start valuing appreciating and honoring ourselves more so that our value isn't attached to some specific outcome or behavior that's external to us because value is sacred guys it's not something we measure it is not something we evaluate it is not something we prove or we demonstrate it's something we embody is something we experience it's something we we share okay and it's an energy when we look at ourselves through the lens of love we can see our value we can experience it that's our job period don't measure your value because it's not transactional your value is because you exist you matter for the simple reason you exist don't buy into the narcissistic concept then your values based on your output and if you don't do output you're not valuable that's a narcissistic abusive concept don't fit it's not useful come alright so let me know guys what you think about my answers to your questions give me a feedback let me know if I'm hitting marks that helps okay all right next question is and this is about sex so if we're out there dating and we're recovering from narcissistic abuse and things like that we shouldn't be dating I'ma be real blunt the dating field is not going to produce healing because dating is not about healing and dating doesn't equate to relationships period and there's no way you can build a relationship while dating while healing that will nurture your healing that's an inappropriate expectation of someone you're dating it's not really what relationships are designed for anyway yes in relationships we will heal along counter things we need to grow through but my experience what is expansive at least from my point of view is that relationships are for the expansion of the individuals and the unit that is the relationship so you can get out there and have companionship and intimacy support and play but it's not necessarily designed to just drag up all your garbage make you face it you'll face it as a consequence of being in a relationship I don't think that's the purpose of it so if you're now to get to the question if you want to have sex and you know just for the sake of having sex then check in with yourself check in to see what need that's trying to fill see if there's not something deeper going on that you need to pay attention to first but then beyond that that's between you and the people you interact with just make sure the context with them is bluntly and plainly clear about what's going on don't allude to a relationship in the future if you don't intend that be honest be clear with it that's all but do know this when you get into that cycle you're going to excite or activate longing feelings or connection and the longing and affection and intimacy and play because that's part of it and so you're going to need to evaluate your needs and how you respond to that kind of dynamic to make sure you're not medicating emptiness loneliness and that you're actually activate actively in a healthy way nurturing or bigger needs for connection and intimacy right okay so and then the last question question is how do you believe in abundance and staying gratefulness when there is an appearance of scarcity I've kind of altered the question add some context show my addition to that was when there's appearance of scarcity so the thing is with abundance is we don't go out and we expect to find it that's not how it works what it works is we assume that it's available and then we're willing to receive what shows up and we're willing to persist until we discover it that's the trick so when we have needs or wants or things we want to experience then we need to and we're not getting them we're going out there and we're we're attempting to find them we need to be patient we need to be open we need to receive and we need to continue we also need to balance our expectation a lot of times from a codependent point of view we get out there and when it we expect a fast escalation into a specific kind of experience and generally that doesn't actually happen and in healthy dynamics it takes time it takes cultivation to experience these things and to make them more of a regular part of our lives so it want to be really mindful about that I want to be mindful about how what expectations were putting on ourselves putting on other people putting on the dynamic because that's going to lead us towards disappointment and frustration if it's unrealistic so and in specific reference to this question it's about having meaningful deep conversation stay open but don't go into an ending into an experience expecting or seeking that go into an experience to just find out what happens there's a funny thing that happens when we let go of trying to get it or seeking what we want we start actually being able to receive it because our hands are open and available for it put it in a metaphorical way because when were seeking something as typically closed or trying to control so you're not to receive when I get curious about it too and open and then sometimes it takes time there's things that I'm still waiting for you know there's still things I'm working for they'll happen I'm a stubborn person so sometimes you just gotta keep at it and one way you can you can help here with yourself is ask a question of what am i aware of about my desire for this kind of deep meaningful conversation that I'm not aware of right now or what am i aware of about finding this or receiving this that I'm not acknowledging right now so we want to get out of conclusion and we want to get back to curiosity we want to see if we're actually aware of something about this they weren't tuning out because we have this conclusion about it okay that's more of an intuitive approach when I asked that question I listened to the energy that comes up and then an awareness comes and I'm like ah blah and then I received that with a question I'm like okay so what else am i aware of here about this that I am not acknowledging typically as I do that a very strong sense of clarity starts to form and then I have a inspiration a direction to go in that allows me to grow so those are our questions for today thank you guys for being a part of the community thank you for your questions thank you for participating remember you can ask questions a group anytime you can share your adventures ask for guidance I encourage you to because that's what I want you guys to do so continue to do that I appreciate how you guys are supporting each other we've done a fantastic job with that and remember that you're worth knowing loving and keeping and one last word we're filling up fast with that closure now we start in just 12 days or so make sure you if you you want closure on your your trauma you want to get back to belonging you want to find happiness again you want headspace back you much body to back you want to eliminate that emotional flashbacks those triggers then you need to stop procrastinating you need to stop reasoning yourself out of it and trying to make yourself cope with it do the scary thing apply for your spot and get closer now this is the last time it's open for this year the next time will be January 2020 guys that's five and a half months of having to continue to live with trauma-induced sensations and and experiences then your body when you can actually be free of it you know you can actually find freedom and closure with it so I encourage you to apply for your spot before it fills up okay so what are you doing that is you go to heal your trauma now calm you apply for a consult with me typically about thirty minutes long we discuss your situation I determine if this is an appropriate fit for you if it is I will invite you to apply then we'll feature enrolled okay thank you guys I appreciate your again and I will talk to you tomorrow you guys have a good night and have fun go ahead and play okay

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