How to Affirm Yourself and Stop The Negative Self Talk

How to Affirm Yourself and Stop The Negative Self Talk


Today I’ll be talking about your
internal monologue and why you need to affirm yourself.
I’m dr. Tracey Marks a psychiatrist and I talk about mental health education and
self-improvement. If this is up your alley, click Subscribe.
In psychotherapy the therapist is supposed to be neutral and make herself
as much of a blank slate as possible. the reason for this is that when you’re
presented with a blank slate, your reaction is based on your temperament
your personality and your own inner self talk. Let me give you an example. Suppose
you send someone an email pitching an idea that you really hope they like.
you’re all excited at what you put in the email and you’re just waiting to
hear back from them but you don’t immediately hear back. An entire day
passes or maybe even a couple of days and what’s your automatic thought. this
is a situation where you’ve put yourself out there you’ve made yourself
vulnerable and you’re not getting any response. In other words the blank slate.
Person A may think, hmm I wonder if my email went to her spam folder. That’s
giving the situation the benefit of the doubt. Person B may think, I wonder if she
hates my idea and she’s just trying to figure out a way to tell me. This is a
negative assumption. Person C may say, I totally made myself look stupid in
this email and now I’ve ruined my chances to get through to this person.
That’s an even more negative response. So where do you fall? Do you automatically
think negatively or positively? We all have blind spots. In a car, the wider the
blind spot, the more dangerous the vehicle. Introspection allows you to
narrow your blind spot. You won’t be able to get rid of it the blind spot
completely, but the narrower the better. here’s another concept. Projection is a
defense mechanism whereby we assume others believe the negative thoughts we
have about ourselves. This is one of the ways that you can
wallow in low self-esteem. When you have a head full of negative thoughts, you
don’t need other people to judge you. You have judged yourself and believe that
the other person is the one who came up with the idea. Here’s an example: let’s
say I tell Joe how busy I’ve been lately and how I’d love to take a vacation. Joe
looks at me with a smirk and says yeah that’d be nice.
I think what was that smirk all about? He must think I’m trying to get out of work
and thatI’m lazy. Now the truth, is Joe smirked because he could relate to my
desire to go on vacation. he’s been working tons of hours and he’d like a
vacation. that’s what Joe’s really thinking but I
projected my own thoughts on to Joe. Now let’s look at my thoughts. I know how
hard Joe’s been working and I also know that I haven’t been working as hard. In
fact, I just give enough to get through the day and then I’m ready to go home
and now here I am ready to go on vacation. I don’t deserve a vacation so
in reality I’m the one who believes that I’ve been lazy at work but I believe
that Joe is the one who thinks I’m lazy and what’s the evidence for this? His
smirk. So what’s the problem with this? Well,
it’s problematic on a couple of levels. One, I’ve assigned negative thoughts to
Joe that he doesn’t have and I can build up negative feelings about him and
resentments that he doesn’t deserve, because they’re based on false
information.The second problem ties directly into the issue of affirming
yourself. So it’s time to lean in here. When you project negative feelings onto
others, you set yourself up for needing them to affirm you and build you up.
Projection reinforces your negative thoughts. How do you recognize this in
yourself? Well let me deconstruct the thing with
Joe a little bit more. In my interaction with Joe, the real problem is that I feel
guilty for not putting in as many hours as Joe and my other colleagues.
Rather than look down on Joe for thinking that I’m lazy. First I have to
recognize the feeling and the trigger here is that I believe that I know what
Joe is thinking. And that’s mistake number one.
Unless you believe in the paranormal, it’s safe to assume that you cannot read
people’s minds with accuracy. So if you tend to be a mind reader, recognize that
when you hear yourself say “I’m sure he thinks this…” and just fill in the blanks
with whatever, that is that’s a red flag that you’re probably projecting. So okay
that’s one step, identify that you’re projecting. The next step is to flesh out
the negative automatic thoughts and replace them with positive ones, but you
have to recognize your real pain point. So in this case, I could say to myself oh
I’m not lazy, I’m a hard worker but that’s not gonna have much impact.
Because it might not be true number one and it’s too superficial. My real pain
point is that I feel guilty for not working hard lately and the way to
affirm myself is statements like “my worth is is not – my worth in my job is
not defined by how much I’ve worked lately. I contribute to the team. They still find
me valuable, furthermore Joe doesn’t have time to keep tabs on me. He’s got his own
life. Those are the things that could help me kind of blot out the
assumptions and negative thoughts that I have that that I’m putting on to Joe.
You have to be able to affirm yourself internally. Needing other people to
affirm you makes you too vulnerable and dependent on others for validation. Other
people have their own needs and they can’t always lift you up and rescue you from
your negative thoughts about yourself. This is not to say that external
validation isn’t good. Compliments and recognition are great and they feel
great, but they can’t be required for you to feel whole and complete. What are some
other ways you could recognize your negative self-talk?
A more general approach is to pause whenever you have a negative emotion.
Think to yourself, what’s the emotion connected to? Is it something someone
said or did or is it something that someone didn’t say or do? Thinking about
your negative emotions can help you deconstruct what you’re really saying to
yourself. Being able to affirm yourself is important for building up your
self-esteem, but neediness also has a negative impact on how people interact
with you. It’s exhausting to be around someone who’s needy.
Have you ever interacted with someone who’s easily upset so you always have to
walk on eggshells and tiptoe around what you say? You don’t want to be that person.
This kind of behavior pushes people away. Then if your negative self-talk is that
you don’t deserve to be loved anyway or you don’t deserve anything good to
happen to you, when you lose support it reinforces your core beliefs and the
cycle just repeats itself. But the truth is, you drove the people away with your
own behavior. But if you boost yourself up from within and don’t need others to
do it for you, then you attract people to you and it becomes safe and comfortable
to be around you. This would be the person who can say
almost you can say almost anything to them and they never seem phased. And it
feels good to be around a person like that and if that’s how you are, people
will want to be around you. So I’ve talked about two ways to identify your
need to affirm yourself: notice when you’re projecting or mind reading and
examining your negative emotions. Let me close by saying that all of what I said
is not just for the person who’s depressed and has no friends. We all have
a negative tape that runs in our heads when the time is right and we all have
soft spots that can trigger us to react negatively. So this exercise of affirming
yourself can help you completely over haull your negative thoughts or simply
tweak and refine yourself so that you can become more and more content in at
peace. Thanks for watching. You made it all the way through. I plan to have some
videos or video affirmations to give you some talking points that you can use
with yourself to increase your positive self-talk. So stay tuned for that

49 thoughts on “How to Affirm Yourself and Stop The Negative Self Talk”

  1. What a great topic!! It can be difficult as a person working alone from home to keep up a positive mindset. Believe me, I know about this! I'm working on taking this year to step away quite a bit more from the computer and get myself out and into the world. The isolation that comes with building an online brand is major hurdle to keeping a positive outlook, and it's so easy to let that negative tape start running on repeat. Even for an introvert like myself. So as soon as we get through this ridiculous winter we're having, I'm planning on getting out a lot more. And not just for work. I'm ready for sunshine and warm temperatures and getting outdoors for walks.

  2. Recently discovered your channel and it is really helping me with my recovery and teaching me to be more rational. Thanks so much please keep it up!

  3. This video was good for me to watch. I grew up in a pessimistic & abusive household where nothing I did or said was right. I analyze & criticize everything I say & do. It’s very exhausting. I’ve been working hard on not projecting & I have a lot more work to do. This video helped me to see what I can do to counter those thoughts. Thank you!

  4. I mean it from the Bottom of My Heart 💓 and my Soul, landing in your Channel is like Finding an Oasis in the Middle of the Desert, Life Saving

    My Eternal Gratitude go out to to You and all the people Like You out there in the World Lending a Helping hand to others

  5. Thank you Tracey. This video is really lifting me up right now, I listen to it over and over to remind myself that I don’t want to push my insecurities on my loved ones to have them validate me. A healthy relationship to myself and others will bring more joy to my life, and will make people appreciate me so much more. I didn’t even know that there was a word for Projection, but this made me realise I do it all the time and it’s not only bad for my own self esteem, but my relationship with others as well. Now I just keep telling myself ”Stop, you’re projecting” every time a thought like that comes up and it’s really useful. Thank you so much

  6. Hi Dr. Tracey Marks, I am here just to say hi and to tell you that I think your video's are really great and well explained. I learn everytime I watch one of your video's. Also you are a pleasure to watch <3. Thank you very much for all your work.

  7. I soooo needed this video. My life experience has taught me to read between the lines and make negative assumptions. I didn’t realize it until you put it into context. THANK YOU

  8. Wow.. Sometimes the only good thing that we might here that day is what we tell ourselves! I'm really feeling your videos..

  9. This was really helpful! thank you. I love your videos that talk about identifying and challenging maladaptive thought processes

  10. Dr. Tracy thank you for these videos. I find them very helpful. The information is easy to follow and comprehend.

  11. Hi Dr, Marks, I have a question in regards to this video.
    What I'd like to know is that if you are the type of person, as you described, that is NOT exhausting to be around as you said in your video, and people are attracted to your personality or energy, how do you keep yourself from being overwhelmed by your social circle or family relying on you too heavily.
    I am learning a lot through my struggle with Bipolar Rapid Cycling and intend to study to become a psychiatrist myself. I find my social circle, especially my family, wanting to interact/ask for advise/talk to me a lot. I love these people and always want to help others if I can. The problem is so many people seem to need me and I can't find the time to put myself first and do my self care because I feel I am more self-aware and educated in mental health.
    I would really appreciate your advise on coping strategies for this situation.
    Thanks!

  12. Great video! I have been always struggling with self- affirmation and this was a great talk. I can’t wait to watch more videos about that.

  13. Super helpful! Not connecting my self worth to my distorted hyper critical evaluation of my work ethic is eye opening. I'm showing up, no one is A game 100% of the time, I am making A contribution, I am kind and pleasant to be around, I recognize and compliment other peoples work…I am going to start trying these thoughts I learned from you. Thank you Doctor!

  14. Incredible video. The other side of needing external validation to build you up is being unable to cope when external criticism comes. There's no internal affirmation to balance out outside opinions.I've struggled with this for so long. Thanks for this video.

  15. Dr. Marks and all listeners, I am a Psychiatric nurse. I studied so hard for my certification, I listened to many of your videos, I studied questions, read the information on the subject. When I arrived at the center in January of this year, I was so anxious and nervous. I knew the material but I was so unsure about making answer choices. Well, I did not pass. I ran out of time, I had about 25 more questions to answer but could not get through them all. I thought of being ashamed if I didn't pass, people might think, I'm dumb when I knew better. I avoided the negative self-talk and only thought, I know what to expect next time. I needed 350 to pass and made 298. If I had not flagged questions and just answered them, I know now that I'd have my certification. Your videos are so helpful, you are a God-sent for me, keep up the GREAT WORK!!

  16. I feel so called out! This reached into my heart and soul and told me exactly what I do. Thank you so much.

  17. Butterfly Butterfly

    I do that. Well past three four days I've been ill snappy an anger at times at my spouse but last night I got that way again so I started cleaning an clean all night about twelve hours of cleaning an but time I got done an he worke up I was fine bye then an felt really good when he woke up towards him.

  18. Sharing time: I saw a racist looking white dude one time my first thought was , look at that racist so and so. Come to find out that man was married to a black woman. I felt like crap for thinking that.

  19. Aqua Soul Food Review

    Thank you so much for your wonderful insightful videos. They have helped me tremendously 😊🙏🏾

  20. Hi Doctor, you are really really a great psychologist . Watching you videos really open my mind to the world of mental things. You help millions of people in this world who are confusing..! Thank you very much for your hard work and time you are investing to help others! You are simply an amazing person!

  21. Pause,pause,pause… I feel like your talking directly to me. Your videos are very much appreciated. It helps to be able to follow along and understand. It's very difficult for me with racing thoughts. I'm 55 and have had to try to endure myself. I'm grateful to have found your information to help me.

  22. Thank you for this video! I find myself thinking the same way as your example; however, I start off with a logical explanation but then it goes down hill after overthinking the situation. I guess being a middle child (myself), a person will struggle with self affirming because it’s not that the person doesn’t recognize oneself but it’s the effects of not being recognized by others that triggers lack of self affirming. We simply want to be acknowledged.

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