Ending Codependency

Ending Codependency



hello everybody and welcome to the adult chair I am Michelle Chalfont I have a topic that continues to come up that we are talking about today it is codependency I'm calling this codependency 2.0 maybe it's 3.0 cuz I've already talked about it a few times but I think this is a topic that really needs our attention again so I'm gonna talk to you all about codependency and how we can really first of all know if this is something that's plaguing our lives or if it's in our lives and also how do we walk our way out of codependency how do we transform our lives away from this codependency so lots to talk about today but first you can find out more about this show at the adult chair comm you can join the conversation on Facebook or Instagram or Pinterest yes I'm new to Pinterest and make sure to request to join the adult chair private closed group on Facebook if you want to learn more about this model called the adult chair and be with really a select few of like-minded people that really want to learn how to live in the highest version of themselves and please come join us there as you know I love this group amazing okay I have a little bit of news for you all and I'm really excited about this because it was such a huge hit last year I'm going to do it again this year and that is the 30 day journaling challenge and of course it is absolutely free I had such a great response last November when we did this and if you can believe it it's time to get ready to do this again we're already in October which is insane to me but it's time for those of you that were not with us during this journaling challenge last year let me just tell you a little bit about it because it was really amazing basically what happens is I send out one journaling prompt a day for 30 days in November so every single day in your inbox you'll get another journaling proper just one journaling prompt and it's not just a one-liner I want you to know I spend a lot of time writing these I get very creative with them and you know sometimes they're even a paragraph and they're just ideas for you as far as what you can write on for that day write about for that day journaling is such an amazing tool to help us go deeper into the self to learn more about our parts and integrating those parts and finding our true self I mean the list goes on and on it's like going to it's like going to therapy every single day in my opinion I love journaling so there's more information on this on my website at the adult chair com forward slash journal and again you need to sign up for this if you are interested if you are a member or a subscriber to my email my weekly emails with the podcast you will not get the journaling challenge let me be very clear I am NOT inundating every single person on my list with the journaling challenge so even if you are already a subscriber of mine you still need to sign up for this challenge and the challenge again is the go to the adult chair comm forward slash journal and you can go ahead and put your name and your email address in and then I will send you a daily prompt the entire month of November and then of course if you're interested we spend a lot of time chatting about it in the adult to your close group so it's an absolutely just fabulous way to go deeper into the self and get to know yourself a lot better and uncover some things that you might not know about and that's why we journal so there you have it okay let's talk about codependency I've had many many clients again recently speak up about their relationships their family or their friends or their spouses or their boyfriends or girlfriends or partners or whomever and they're alarmed oh and I wonder yeah you know this sounds a little bit codependent like what do you think and I'm surprised at the number of people that are not quite sure what that even means number one and number two they think well that's not me certainly I am NOT codependent and just in the last few weeks it keeps coming up and up and up and I thought you know what I need to talk about this because people are just not quite sure what it is so we're talking about it today and as I've said before I don't love labels because people feel like if they get labeled as something they're stuck in it forever and that is not my belief my belief is we can change anything and everything so it's just energy in motion we just gotta move it but I do like understanding some of our behaviors so if you feel like codependency might be something that you're doing and that you're living with understand that okay now you've got some tools to help work your way through it and out of it you're not stuck in it forever so be careful with claiming this is who you are it's not your identity it's something it's a habit that you're in okay and we're gonna walk I'm gonna walk you through it today on how you can walk right out of it okay so just I just want you to be mindful of using the label sometimes I feel like people put them on there for it and it becomes who they are and this is not true so again I'm calling this podcasts relate codependency I think it's 3.0 because I've done a few other versions of codependency and if you want to go back and listen to him it's podcast number 11 and podcast 70 and 70 I think is the one that I talked about codependency and ending codependency and relationships so that's a really good one so it's number 11 and 70 I will add these to the show notes in case you guys are driving and you can't write these numbers down just look at the show notes and they will be there okay here go let's start out with what codependency is where it comes from or how it develops is this is that when we're born we're vulnerable and we are dependent on our caregivers for things like food safety and regulation okay emotional regulations so in other words when we're crying we need our parents to help soothe us so our attachment and bonding is critical and crucial during these early early years so that the attachment makes the baby rely on the needs and vulnerabilities of the caregivers because think about it when we're babies were innocent little vulnerable creatures we can't walk we can't feed ourselves were really really dependent on who is taking care of us so think back to your really early years what was happening where your physical and emotional needs met what was going on with your parents during that time think back on that just for a moment what was happening with you and your family in your life remember this is not an exercise in blame I am not asking anyone to sit back and judge or blame their parents all that I'm asking you is what was going on way back when so as you're thinking through this you know you might be having some thoughts I want to share with you just a little bit of my story and just to kind of give you an example of how codependency happens okay so remember when we grew up with unreliable or unavailable parents we begin to take on the role of caregiver or caretaker or enabler all right so my parents loved me I had no doubt about that but there was a lot of stress stress with them in their own marriage during that time and I know I've shared this before I was a colicky baby in fact I cried 22 hours a day for nine months which I can't even imagine so think about the strain in a marriage then you add even if the baby's not colicky a baby adds stress to any marriage and then you add the crying thing on which I can't even imagine and I think about way back when again I don't that my parents loved me but my mom was stay-at-home mom with 22 hours of a crying baby and a husband she's married into this family of a very domineering Italian New York family so she was under constant stress and of course babies pick up on everything in their environment we are little sponges so think about again what were you picking up on when you were a child so I grew up with pairs that were really preoccupied with their own stuff you know they had a lot of stuff going on and I realized growing up I was leaning on people that were not emotionally available for me so you know again I've asked my mom these questions like did you ever leave me in the crib yes I had to for my own sanity which I get I have to say like as an adult like I look back I've had two kids I know I can only imagine like nobody wanted to babysit me I cried all the time so there was definitely some leaving me there in the crib and not tending to me but also she had a lot of stress with my dad's identical twin brother not just a brother identical twin brother which he had a drinking problem tons of anger issues and did not like my mother in fact would really be verbally and emotionally abusive with my mom and nobody ever stopped it so she felt helpless again so they were dealing with so much going on Here I am this little kid growing up in all of this mess really and my father always felt caught in the middle and he would do nothing because it was identical twin brother and he used to say he feels like you know they're half of each other and he could never speak up and set a boundary I just I remember when these outbursts would happen with my uncle toward my mom and nobody would stop it and I remember thinking inside of me when I'm little like five six seven years old like do something like make this stop and nobody would and my mother would have to leave because we all live together every summer in our lake house so my mother would have to get up from the table she'd be crying and nobody would tend to her and I remember my heart would ache and I'm thinking this is not right but nobody's doing anything you know my grandmother was there I had oftentimes my other and uncle were there but nobody stopped my uncle he was truly just verbally abusive toward many people but specifically my mom so for me is this little kid I'm seeing my mom get up and and I'm so sad and nobody's tending to her so I kind of felt I didn't kind of I really felt unsafe because nobody was helping me nobody's taking care of my mom and nobody is stopping the chaos so if you grew up with somebody that was abusive in any way or abusing a substance or anything and nobody's stopping it for a little kid it's so unsafe so unsafe so emotionally speaking I had a lot of worry of course for my mom and I was not allowed to be a kid again emotionally speaking I just did not I course was doing kid things but was very very worried about my mother all the time it was a constant from the time I was a little kid and remember the first time caretaking her was I remember being 6 years old and going back when she was crying and I was like touching her forehead like don't cry mommy and she was crying and again my uncle had verbally abused her and nobody stopped it so think back if you had something like this this could have led to your own codependency so my role became someone that was responsible to keep everyone safe in the house I had a lot of built-up anger inside that this was my role and no one would stop my uncle so it was I was very angry inside but also felt all this responsibility you know to make sure my mom was ok and make sure my dad was okay you know I just I wanted to make sure my uncle was not too close to my mom there's all of this kind of thing so as I grew up my habit and I have that in quotes habit of taking care of things and keeping the peace became my way of living it in fact became my identity it's just who I identified myself as is the fixer or the caretaker of everybody and making sure there's he's in the house I always made sure everyone was okay and taken care of I became very hyper vigilant which means I'd walk in the house and I knew where everybody was and what the emotional status I would say of the house is like what was happening in the house was there upsetness was their happiness was their peace so I lived on high alert basically all the time it was just who I was it was my role and identity in the world so again think back to your own life was there someone in your family that was acting in an unhealthy way any unhealthy way and were there boundaries around that person or were you meant to sweep that up and take care of it or even sweep it under the carpet like who kept you safe growing up were you kept saved that's the question so this type of childhood says sets us up for codependency and that previous podcast I did way back when that the title of podcast really says at all–it's I am okay if you're okay so it can be boiled down to that statement in other words if someone in your life is not okay we feel in on the inside very very unsettled now again as a mom when my son is hurting when he was a child or even as an adult my older son just broke up with his girlfriend and I know he was very upset about that and I tuned into that with him and I was like oh I feel so bad but the difference now is that I don't extend myself out to fix his pain that's classic codependency we feel like we have to fix other people's emotional pain or problems so now I noticed again it was a great mirror for me to sit with my son and say gosh you know I know you're so upset and he really loved his girlfriend and I sat with him in that and did not fix a thing because there's nothing to be fixed but for codependence we feel like we have to fix other people's pain and we feel very uncomfortable until that other person is settled I loved many many years like that so just see if you can identify it with any of these things these are just signs of codependency and again it's okay if you're identifying when you be some tools on how to get out of this so just about a week ago I was working with a 49 year old client and she was talking about how difficult it's gonna be for her to even think about moving out of her house because she'd moved back in with her parents and how responsible she feels for her mother and her mother's emotional pain and her mother's depression and grief and she's been caretaking her mother's emotions her whole entire life and she was someone that I actually said wow this sounds a little bit like codependency to me or a lot like it and she said really they said yes it does she says well it's my responsibility I'm her daughter and I said how old is your mother again she said something like my mother's 75 something at 70 something and I said I think your mother has a really good idea of how to take care of herself at that age and it was really Wow really and I said yes I really believe your mother is able to take care of herself and that's not something that you need to do anymore and then I asked her you know have you been helping your mother has her emotional pain or depression gotten any better after all of these years with you helping her and she paused for a while and she said well it temporarily makes her feel good when I listen to her and I'm with her and her pain and I said it doesn't last and she says no I guess it doesn't I said well does it and she said no it doesn't I said your mom probably goes back to her norm or a baseline which is depressed and in grief and in pain and then she suffers all over again and then her daughter you know feels responsible to go up and quote/unquote fix that pain which doesn't last that's the thing when we as humans are ready to heal we will step inside of ourselves and do what it takes in order to heal other people can not heal us it is a band-aid it's always going to be temporary if someone makes the outside of you makes you feel better it's temporary their words land on us and it might feel good in the moment but it doesn't last you've got to go deep inside and do your own personal work so it's a never ending cycle only we can heal ourselves we have to dig down and go inside to heal our own stuff I really feel like therapy and inner child work a group work something else or something like that is so beneficial for us but we have to be willing again the key is to go inside and get real with yourself only then can you change and shift grow heal and transform I have other clients that have siblings that have beat them up throughout their childhood and their parents stood by and laughed or watched or did nothing and these kids also had to learn to be quiet and hyper-vigilant in the house and change who they were to become safe okay they had to be the good girl again or the good boy stay out of their siblings way try to make friends with their sibling in other words change who they work they were bullied their whole lives by their siblings and they were always hoping that somehow they would have a boundary set so they could be kept safe but it didn't happen so they had to learn to extend their energy and awareness outside of themselves to be kept safe and again what we do is we push our energy outside of ourselves out into the home and we find the people that are abusing us or that are abusive in the household and we do our best to really manipulate them or do what we can to change ourselves in order to for us to feel safe and it's a never-ending game that we play okay so these kids at least my clients that grew up like this have really some deep codependency they don't know who they are they wear their childhoods were taken away because they lived in fear most of their lives there were little kids in this house nobody protected them and they had to learn to extend outside of themselves to make sure everything was okay outside instead of inside so they lost that connection inside and set up the habit of extending outside so regardless of your history I have some signs for you of codependency based on melody beauty's work of anyone that is codependent so here we go I have ten signs and there are so many but these are the ones that really hear so much about number one we feel responsible for other people's feelings needs choices and well-being again we extend and feel responsible for other people and what the what's going on with them emotionally needs choices we feel anxiety number two we feel anxiety and need to help or fix when someone has a problem we have anxiety again if someone presents a need or needing help we get so anxious inside that's a clear sign of codependency number three we feel upset that no one helps us the way that we help others right we we think like what about me when someone gonna take care of me I'm always helping everybody else why does nobody come to my aid right number four we say yes when we mean no and everyone knows what that means we betray ourselves when we do that number five we please others before ourselves we want to make sure again someone outside of me is okay before myself number six we feel overwhelmed when we are receiving and we feel better when we're giving so we're not great at taking energy in our heart chakra is closed to that it's like no no I don't deserve that I'm not worthy of receiving I got to extend my energy out that's just a habit I really believe this is a habit or a pattern that we get into we feel bored without a crisis I'm sorry but when we grow up with a crisis like I grow up with so much drama in my house when I got married I didn't know what to do without all the drama in crisis so I started unconsciously creating it we do this and if we don't have the drama the crisis we feel bored we intuitively number-8 are attracted to needy people it's sort of like we have a radar and we just find these people that need us because again when we're fixing someone outside of ourselves and taking care of their needs we feel filled up and it because it's our identity it's just what I do it's Who I am so if I'm not fixing someone I don't know who I am so attracted to needy people number nine we cannot focus if we feel someone is upset with us or if we feel someone is upset in general so knowing that someone might be upset with me if I'm codependent I just can't even function I can't function until I fix that problem or if someone is just upset we have a very difficult time we start getting anxious again number 10 we stain relationships that don't work we stay in very unhealthy relationships I didn't think about that client and that 49 year old client I just told you about she's in this relationship with her mother and I'm not saying not to be in a relationship with with her mother what I'm saying is we're in these very very unhealthy relationships that aren't working we have to change the relationship okay so I have some truths from the adult chair these are Michelle's truths unhealing and transforming codependency okay there are to see how many did I write down for you guys I have a whole bunch I have twelve thirteen excuse me I have thirteen truths from the adult chair on how we transform codependency here we go number one anything can be changed transformed and/or healed I firmly believe that we are energetic beings and energy is always in motion and our mind is what keeps us stuck so we're not stuck but anything can be healed or changed so if you're having this feeling like oh my god I'm stuck forever this is I'm never gonna be able to change it's not true it's not true trust me it's not true I have just transformed my way through codependency if I can do it anybody can do it that's for sure seen many other people do the same okay number two find and work with your inner child or your lost inner child this is really really key I feel like for codependency because with codependency we don't know what we're feeling we don't know what our emotions are were more extending out to other people's emotions first and may not even check in with ourselves at all we kind of feel empty so we really want to build and again if we're and if we're like like me I'm taking care of my mom when I'm six that little inner child it gets buried it gets cast away it gets lost in the woods whatever you want to call it we need to go find that inner part of us it really holds the keys to so much of our healing not just with codependency but with so many different things that inner child is key we really want to do work with the inner child I in fact have a free downloadable inner child resource on my website again go to Michelle's shelf on comm or go to the adult chair comm and hit the home page it's right there I've got two beautiful meditations to help number one access the inner child and number two to work with the codependent child and journaling prompts that help you go deeper and connect with your child it's totally free you can go and check it out right there many of us feel lost hurt or anger and we need to access these feelings in order to heal because most of the time we're not even in touch with them okay number three join a group group process is oftentimes key to our healing because every other people serve as a mirror for us I don't care if it's a codependency group an experiential group psychodrama group whatever go get in a group and do some work within for yourself with this codependency is really powerful powerful to hear other people that might be you know having the same walking the same journey as your and having the same journey as you at this point so it's powerful number four find a therapist or a coach they have very specific codependency coaches they have therapists to specialize in this or they just have really good therapists or coaches out there that are generalized but they're very good with working with codependency but I would absolutely find out how proficient their knowledge is with codependency before you hire them that is by the way not a question that you should feel embarrassed by when you're calling and looking for someone to work with you ask them what their knowledge is ask them what their training is that's perfectly healthy and normal ask them how much knowledge they have ask them what the results are it's fine to do that with a therapist or a coach any kind of practitioner actually okay number five invite your friends our loved ones to help you see when you are in your codependency so you can find a friend even if it's just one person that you can reach out to to help you find what a healthy reality looks like okay because when were children our reality can get kind of messed up and we need to find someone that can help us find clarity so I know I have someone in my life I have a couple people thank God because I've got somebody and when I was working through my codependency actually I had asked a group of my friends just a handful of friends I said can you tell me what I'm doing this cuz I don't even know because it's such a part of my life and even my kids my kids would say mom this is codependent I'm like I think it's caring they're like no it's kind of like okay so I made light of it this is again I was not like oh my god like a scarlet letter a on my on my shirt forever this is just something I was working through as part of my journey and it would be beautiful for me to have some friendships that I could call and say hey this is what just happened can you tell me was that a codependent move and they'd say yes it is or no it wasn't you didn't you did good so okay so I find someone that's not codependent that's healthy when it comes to that and have them be your adult this is about calling someone that can really be a healthy adult for you and show you and mirror for you what it is that's going on with whatever situation that you're dealing with okay number six get comfortable with your pain and emotions this is what drives us to fix or help another remember no woods driving or pushing you we have to get comfortable with our own emotions its key we really really have to get comfortable and so many of us are not comfortable with our emotions so this goes back again to that inner child what can we do that inner child work we really get in touch with those emotions I believe that codependency is an addiction it is an addiction we don't know what's going on let's think about just an addiction we don't know what's going on inside of us we don't know what our emotions are but they don't feel good and when I'm extending outside of myself whether it be drinking a beer using sex porn drugs whatever it is or codependency it's covering up what I feel inside my own inner pain at the root of a codependent person is so much emotional pain we were not taking care of in a healthy way as children we might feel like we don't matter we might feel helpless or hopeless or invisible all of these emotions are deep inside of us so instead of feeling those emotions and that's key getting comfortable with this pain and emotions we extend outside of ourselves and use someone else to mask our pain it's an it's an addiction it's just like someone that is an alcoholic that reaches for a beer we reach for fixing someone else or helping someone else we need to not reach for that other person to fix and sit inside and when we sit in that uncomfortable feeling this is number seven sitting in our uncomfortableness we actually are in withdrawal it's just like not drinking the beer if we're an alcoholic we are then sitting in the withdrawal symptoms which are not pretty and can be very very uncomfortable but when we sit in that withdrawal healing occurs we got to sit in those emotions the pain the invisible feeling the idle our feelings that's our healing once we learn to sit in those emotions of that inner child by the way we become familiar with these emotions they do not scare us and we do not need to then extend outside of ourselves to fix anyone else and we are then able to stay more connected to ourselves number eight we have to learn about boundaries and where ours are you know with codependence we are typically enmeshed and have blended boundaries so enmeshed means we don't know where we start and stop where do I begin and where do I end we take our energy fields and blanket them over other people and we feel like they are us and we are them that is not healthy I use the word the word blobbing how's that for technical therapy coaching to him it's my own term I made up and it's like we blob onto other people I just think about energy when it moves over to someone else is like a big blob of energy I remember when I used to do a lot of groups in my office and I did one group and there was a there were some people in there that were codependent and if someone was crying I would watch these people in my group and I could feel their energy using to the other side of the room and I'd say stop blabbing your blobbing feel your where are you you're moving over to be with this other woman that's crying it's okay if she's crying let her cry and feel what's coming up within you as she's crying it was powerful and of course we would laugh and this does not have to be something where you're beating up on yourself it's codependency we are learning about it and we are all gonna move through this it's okay so anyway in my group we would have a giggle because I would say we're hurt you're blobbing stay over there where you are and they would say how hard it is I'm like yes but this is how we're healing this codependency and it they did amazing in this group these these women weren't absolutely amazing how they did not blob as much by the end of our group they really learned how to stay where they were so it's learning where do I stop and where do I start as far as my energy field we don't want to be in other people's energy fields and we don't want to pull them in ours so keep to yourself know where you stop and start okay in addition to that to help us to stay put we we need to do some grounding work it really helps with setting boundaries cuz once we learn where I stopped in my start then I'll learn if someone's in my field and then I can say hey stop it so the first part again is knowing where I start and stop the second part is if I can ground myself I start learning more about Who I am so there are some beautiful grounding meditations all over the website excuse me all over the web and if you'd like one I have think I have a few of them even on my iTunes or excuse me YouTube channel or on the website but grounding taking your energyne grounding it into the present moment it helps you to learn who you are and where you are in the world number 10 mindfulness is essential to heal codependency where am i focusing on right now and am i losing myself it's key if I'm in the moment I'm gonna notice that I'm extending out to someone else and leaving myself so when I am mindful I'm going to notice this and as uncomfortable as it might be not to extend out and fix someone else or quote-unquote help someone else I'm gonna stay present with myself and stay connected to myself number eleven many times oftentimes when we grow up as codependence or have these issues in childhood then we become codependent we have low self-esteem so raising self-esteem is number eleven if you want to hear a podcast about this I explain how to raise your self-esteem it's podcast number 84 again you can access all these podcasts at the adult chair calm there's a search bar at the adult chair calm and just type in raising self-esteem or just self esteem and every self-esteem podcast will pop up in fact anything you want to hear will pop up just but in the tagline or the word that you want to learn about and it's right there but in number 84 raising self-esteem I explained how you raise the self-esteem also another podcast that I did that's really important when we're working with codependency is number 27 podcast number sub 27 is who are you and self validation and projection we have to learn how about about self validation and when we are projecting this is key so listen to those two number 84 and 27 you'll learn again a lot more about building yourself up which is what we need to do with codependency okay number 12 no more eggshells no more eggshells and what I mean by this is when we grow up in households where there is dysfunction we learn to walk on eggshells right we don't want to cause any upsetness in the house so we learn to walk with that uneasiness in the house that we grew up then often times when we get married we do the same darn thing all over again for me there were many years I think I've talked about this before my husband on Sunday would wake up with what we termed Sunday stress I was like this cloud of stress would settle in on Sunday morning and we knew to steer clear of him that day and as he would be short-tempered and controlling and me and my codependency would stay clear of him and walk on eggshells I clean the house you know I try to do things to make his Sunday stress quote-unquote go away but again like I said a little bit earlier we can't change anyone I don't care how clean the house is how well-mannered the kids are it doesn't matter he would still have Sunday stress and it took me a few years to realize this of course and my own healing of my codependency I would say to him oh my gosh you know what what can I do nothing you know I'm just in Sunday stress I've got a big week but it was every single Sunday like even my little kids would say daddy's Sunday stress like yes he is until one day I stopped participating in Sunday's stress as I did my own yelling I realized excuse me but this is that I am walking on eggshells in my house why am i doing this it's my house too I should not be walking on eggshells and I just had that awareness I will not participate in Sunday stress so think about your own life what do you need to say to yourself that you will not participate in any more starting today just think about that what do you need to not participate in so when I decided I'm not going to participate in Sunday stress again if he's got stressed that's fine but I am NOT going to be affected by it and get my own stress because he's got Sunday stress that's codependency so it was definitely gradual process but eventually the more I built my inner self up I was able to set boundaries and my self-esteem increased and I had a new identity and the identity of caretaking people around me which is from my childhood started to fade away and I stepped into really strong empowered Michelle so I have to I was thinking about this when I was getting ready to do this show like I don't even know if he has Sunday stress anymore because I don't participate in it it just doesn't affect me I wouldn't even know it's so ironic not that I'm a cold-hearted person by any means it's just my personality and my codependency does not kick in to take care of him or anyone anymore if they are emotionally off or in stress unless they ask for my help that is key it's not that I'm it's not that when we healed this codependency that we're cold people and I've had people say that to me you know they think well it's I'm a cold person if I don't help so-and-so it's like no you're not a cold person no no no you're not losing yourself and you're not betraying yourself and you're not losing your identity anymore if someone else around you is not or isn't a stressful place or is using or something like that we learn now to set boundaries it's if someone is off then I will ask them is there anything I can do for you I'm here for you period because I can't fix anybody as much as most of my life I thought I could I cannot fix anybody but I can be here for them and be a great listener that's it ultimately even with with us if we're gonna heal our codependency I've got to make the decision to do these things that I'm sharing with you today in order to heal myself and transform this no one outside of me did this work but me so if my husband's gonna have Sunday stress and he wants to not affect the family the way he is affecting the family it's his job to fix that and heal that not mine there's nothing I could say or do in order to fix that for him it's his job if you're living with someone that's a drinker that's addicted to anything that's acting in an abusive way you will never ever be able to fix it you cannot fix it but you have to take care of yourself and stay connected to you find your voice find your boundaries and then decide what you're going to do about it from there number thirteen let the world mirror your progress the world and people in the world serve as our mirror they are our mirror in other words they show us where we are on our own life journey let me explain about a month ago my husband came to me and said how hurt he was that I did not check in with him when he was really off one day emotionally off and I remember when he came up to me and he said to me we need to talk this is how it went down he came up to me and say we need to talk and again when someone says that hey we need to talk it could throw any of us in our adolescent chair because we get scared you know and that's the seed of the survivor and fear sits there so it's like whoa or we might feel defensive or the child chair feels scared so all these parts of us are activated but what I realized was it was so cool is I stayed present with myself and I was totally stable I was centered and connected to myself and I thought oh my god I'm in the adult chair this is crazy so when he did ask me that I was like wow I'm just gonna stay present I put my feet on the ground I let the energy come up through my feet I grounded we sat together and he let me know he was hurt that I did not listen to this I did not check in with him the day before and that he was in a terrible mood and he felt awful and he said he felt abandoned so just on a side note my husband and I have done the codependent dance for years so I sat there as he said that and I witnessed what he was saying and I thought to myself I'm really present with what he's saying but I didn't let it land in a way that it affected me from a codependent place because what I realized is I didn't even apologize because I didn't realize I didn't do anything wrong I worked the whole day that he was talking about I barely saw him I did not know he was off and what he mirrored for me was number one how stable I was in that moment and how connected to myself was I was and how much of my codependency I've moved beyond it was amazing so I sat there and I thought you know what I didn't do anything wrong I didn't even know it's his job as another adult to come to me and say hey especially if I miss it and I really did I worked all day I'm really in a bad place could we talk for a minute because I'm feeling abandoned by you I would be more than happy to talk to him but it wasn't my job to extend out to him and fix him which is what I would have done in the past so such a testament so use the universe and everyone in here as your mirror of where you are on your journey it's other people's job to let you know that they need help and they need to have a conversation and that they're not feeling well it's not our to be on high alert and sort for everyone that's emotionally often not doing well it's not your job that's codependency that lets that's codependency identity so stop that okay so I'm not saying this to throw my husband under the bus by any means I'm just sharing this story he knows I shared stories about him I just really want you guys to understand what codependency is what it looks like maybe if you have some of these traits of codependency and how you can move your way through it I'm in no way saying I'm a better person than him he and I have done this dance he's working on his own codependency and I'm working on mine so I hope this gives you some raised awareness about codependency and I'm gonna leave you with some words for melody Beatty who I love she's the amazing woman that brought codependency to light in the 1980s her words resonated so deeply with me as they're how we learn to live from the adult here with codependency this is an excerpt from her blog there is no shame in being codependent is from October 25th 2016 she says this speaking of codependency it means we are now consciously considering the motivations of our decisions for many of us it means that instead of making our choices solely to please others or to try to control them or considering all of our options and finally for many of us understanding the impact of our decisions and behaviors on ourselves we learned that we matter – so beautiful it's just about raising consciousness and that we have choices and we have options and that we matter this is living from the adult chair and she said it so beautifully so okay everybody I've got a course a great book for you so hold on but I do want to say again if you're interested in joining us for the 30-day journaling challenge this will be beautiful for you if you're dealing with codependency or anything because it helps you to get closer and more connected with yourself so go to WWE adult chair comm forward slash journal and go sign up there I have enjoyed this conversation today and I am Michele Chalfont and I look forward to seeing you right here next week seated firmly in the adult chair have a great week everybody and stay tuned for our audible book for listeners of the adult chair audible is offering a free audiobook download of your choice with a free I love free 30-day trial to give you the opportunity to check out the service today of course of course I'm recommending melody beedis book codependent no more it's one of the greatest books on codependency so start with that one if you've already read that or heard that book she's got many others inaudible so go get one of her books on codependency she's got the new codependency beyond codependency they're all good but if you don't have any for books start out with codependent know more how to stop controlling others and start caring for your self and it's free if you go to audibletrial.com/preneurcast week

7 thoughts on “Ending Codependency”

  1. Nur-e-Dipha Muttaqi

    What if your parents are constantly expecting and asking for help and I can't measure up to their expectations, I am not good enough. Always be there for them. They feel constant abandonment and they insult me back for not being there for them.

  2. Thank you for this great podcast! Walking on egg shells felt so familiar. It really helps to understand by sharing your personal experiences.

  3. I like what you said about labelling and being stuck in things. I wonder if today there's too much pressure to give ourselves disorders and syndromes, to the point where we identify with them too much. I think psychology needs to find a better growth mindset model that doesn't limit people.

  4. Yeah didn’t realise how much of me was used up on other people. Very helpful, I like helping others but sometimes it leaves my tanks empty for helping myself.

  5. This was so helpful!! You provided one of the most in depth insights on what codependency really is, and how to heal. Thank you for sharing your personal stories, and keeping your teaching on a real level.

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