Hey you! I was recently watching a video by
a male YouTuber who was opening up about his experiences being in an abusive relationship.
In it he mentioned that men never talk about this kind of stuff and that we’re typically
discouraged from doing so to maintain our manliness and… He was right. We should talk
about this kinda stuff more because no one should suffer in silence and sometimes sharing
your experiences can help someone come to terms with their own. So… I’m gonna do
that… Right now. When I was 16 I met a girl who would quickly
become my best friend. We had a lot in common from our love of Internet culture to our brooding
existential mindsets. She introduced me to loads of great food and music, movies and
TV, manga and anime. It was one of the happiest times of my life. I think I unironically referred
to us as platonic soulmates once. Back then I was a boy at war with himself.
On one had I’d been raised all religious and sheltered and on the other I was an overexposed,
Internet hell-raiser. She encouraged me to abandon my godly ways and go “full liberal”
which I gladly – and voluntarily – did. But by the time we hit 18 things started to get
at little out of control. She wanted to date me but I didn’t want
to date her. We were great friends and I just didn’t see her that way. Oh, and for the
record I was a super-duper virgin. Only the year before had I kissed someone for the first
time and still had every intention of saving sex until I was 100% ready and with a girl
I truly loved. What a pansy! Am I right? We eventually got into a cycle of her coming
onto me, me saying no, her getting upset, me feeling like an asshole, her being nice,
and things returning to normal. This was a process she would’ve candidly referred to
as “raping me into submission”. It’s good to know that the “I’m such a good friend why won’t you fuck me” nice guy trope is actually unisex. Yay equality! The sad thing is it totally worked and over
time I stopped resisting and we started getting intimate. First we were kissing, then we were
touching, and then… You know. It kinda felt like joining an unexpected conga line like
“oh, I guess we’re doing this now. oh-kay! uhh, wee!” It was a little weird but it was ultimately my choice. My decisions. But then things got really bad. Given we weren’t actually dating I started developing an interest in other girls. And the night I told her I was planning on asking one of these girls out… She snapped.
She intervened and sabotaged my chances and when I got upset with her she… Injured herself.
And being her friend I dropped everything and took her to the hospital. Like a grade-A
chump. After that night I just didn’t care anymore.
I was tired and heartbroken and… I gave in. She’d come visit me at university and
refuse to leave; tell me I was a bad person whenever I asked for space; then hurt herself
and make sure I knew about it. It was very healthy. Then finally, at the peak of it all, I gave
her my virginity. And it was fun! At least at the first couple times… Before I finally
realised it wasn’t fun… And then became terrified of sex… For years… Not long
after that we stopped being friends… Not before she let me know how truly awful I was. I hated her for years. 4 years to be exact.
Talked about how much I hated her constantly. Retold this story over and over to anyone
who’d listen. Until I finally got over it. I realised that we were both just stupid,
mean, broken, little teenagers. I couldn’t hold it against her anymore. I couldn’t even be sure
I remembered it all correctly. Honestly, I don’t know how the fuck to feel
anymore. All I know is that if you flipped the sexes in my story it’d probably be a
lot more black and white. As someone who believes strongly in gender equality – but doesn’t
use labels like “feminist” anymore because I can’t be fucked to deal with the backlash
– I think it’s important to realise that emotional, psychological and even sexual abuse
can happen to anyone. My story isn’t all that “exciting” or
clear cut but it’s what I have to offer to the abuse conversation. Well, at least
from the perspective of the recipient. Truth Truth is I’ve spent more than enough time being
an awful friend, partner, lover… son… But I guess those are someone else’s stories
to tell. Anyway, thanks a lot for listening to my story.
It means a lot to get it off my chest. And if you’re in a similar situation to mine,
whichever side of the equation you might be on, I hope my experience can help you in some way. Thank you and I hope that hearing my experience can help in some way. TomSka out.