5 Common Habits That Will Kill Your Confidence

5 Common Habits That Will Kill Your Confidence


Every single day, we do something that are fantastic for our confidence and we do others that aren’t so good — they drag it down and destroy it. The problem is we can’t always tell which of those is which. And that’s why in this video, I want to show you five very common behaviors — some of which I bet you are doing — that are secretly destroying your confidence because if you can remove these from your life, it’s dramatic how your self-esteem and your confidence will skyrocket. So the first one that I’ve had a very, very first hand experience with was staying in a situation that you really dislike. Now, it’s obvious that you’re not going to want to stay in a situation you dislike by definition but it actually destroys your self-esteem when you do that. And I realized this back in the day when I had my first job as a consultant. I didn’t love it, it wasn’t horrible but when I got up
in the morning, I felt like I was faking it; I felt like I was putting on the suit pretending to
care about something that I didn’t really care about. Simultaneously, I found myself feeling less confident myself; I was starting to doubt myself. Social situations which used to come easier were all of a sudden a little bit more murky and rocky; I didn’t know how to behave. And I didn’t put these two together until I read the book, Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden — absolutely fantastic but there was an exercise in that book that made me realize that when you do an action, that implicitly says, “I don’t believe in myself,” your self-esteem goes down. So every single day when I got up in the morning, I put on that suit, and I knew I didn’t like it but I had no exit plan, I was telling myself, “I don’t believe in you. I don’t think you’re capable of getting a better job, I don’t think you deserve one, and I don’t think that you should have a higher degree
of fulfillment in your life; this is right where you belong.” And that is why my self-esteem and my confidence plummeted. Now, weirdly enough, when I finally left that job and my money started plummeting and I was living on my friend’s floor and I didn’t know how I was gonna earn living, my confidence was through the roof socially and other areas and that was where I had the guts to start Charisma on Command. It was because I had taken a vote of confidence in myself; I left. I said, “You know what? I don’t know how but I believe in you to figure this out.” So I’m not saying you got to quit your job but I am saying if you’re in a relationship, whether it’s romantic or with a friend, if you have a job that you really dislike, you need an exit plan not just for your life but for your self-esteem because if you can’t bet on yourself, your body
knows it and that’s when your confidence tanks. So the second thing that a lot of people don’t realize that’s destroying their confidence is their intense focus on practice. Now, people could go, “Wait a second, I need to practice. Of course, I do; I have to be competent in order to be confident.” Now, that is absolutely true but let me give you an example of where this goes too far. In an interview setting, I know people who will
study their questions, “Tell me where you’re from?” and technical questions up until the moment that they enter that room. And unfortunately, what happens is despite the fact that they’ve been practicing long, they go in there flat, they forget what they were going to say, and if they do remember it, it’s terribly rote. The problem is they should have taken those five to 15 minutes prior to that big moment and instead of practicing, they should have built an
internal state of positive feelings and confidence. This is true of musical performances, any time
you’re on a stage, if there’s a date coming up… whatever it is, stop worrying about what you’re
saying or going to say five to 15 minutes before, stop worrying about the performance and start feeling good. Watch a YouTube video that pumps you up — it could be one of ours — watch something funny, hang out with your friends, laugh, move, do things that make you feel energized. And I, again, realize this for the first time way back in the day when I would have dates and I was so nervous before these phone calls I would think, “What am I gonna say?” I try to plan out every line and one day I was just having fun with my friends, I called in that moment of having a good time and it went fantastically. And that became my go-to — rather than worrying about what I was going to say, right before the phone call, I would have fun and that made them go so much better moving forward which takes us to the third thing that people don’t realize is ruining their confidence — it’s believing this myth that there’s one person or you need an individual to approve of you in order to be happy. Now, we don’t realize this but we unfortunately do this quite often. When there’s an interview or a job that we feel like we need this job or there’s a particular person that we’d like to be dating and we just have to get them to like us, we get very focused in this narrow view of what could make us happy and fulfilled. We start to give away our confidence; we feel needy and we need them to like us. If we broaden our perspective, if prior to a job interview, you can step back and remind yourself, “I really like this job but there’s a lot of amazing jobs out there.” There’s tons; there’s ones I’m not even familiar with. Same thing — I might like this guy or this girl but there’s so many other fantastic people. Weirdly enough, when you do that, you’re going to have a much more confident interaction with that person whether it’s an interview or anyone else because you’re telling yourself, “I don’t need you. I would like this but I don’t need it,” and that inspires confidence in you. The fourth thing people don’t realize — this is the one I am most guilty of today — is disqualifying yourself verbally prior to doing anything. And if you see me on this channel, I did this and I do this before I talk about music. Sometimes, I’ll mention that on my Instagram @CharlieHoupert, I play music and I play the guitar but I will say, “You know, I’m not a great singer so don’t expect too much” or “I haven’t spent as much time on this one song but just take a look.” That’s disqualifying; that’s trying to lower the bar. People do this prior to speeches; they get up there and they say,
“I haven’t really done this before this is my first time.” Sometimes, they do it in interactions. When they tell someone, “I’m not really good with names so I might forget yours.” We think that in setting the bar low, we won’t disappoint people. But actually, what we do is we say, ‘This is the level that
I’m gonna play at,” — really low; we destroy our confidence. So if you’re doing that like me, the solution is say nothing. Don’t preempt it, don’t tell me it’s gonna be good or it’s gonna be bad… just go. And in my case, that means saying if you would like to hear me sing or play guitar, you can go to my Instagram @CharlieHoupert and you can let me know what you think rather than having me tell you what it’s going to sound like to you. The fifth thing that people do all the time is — and this just happens to me today — is they say, “I don’t care,” as if it was a kindness to someone. Now, let me be clear. Not having to get your way all the time and have a demanding preference is a virtue. But you’ve been in those situations where people are trying to figure out where to go to eat and everyone doesn’t care, “What should we do tonight?” nobody cares, “What movie?” nobody cares… People are craving leadership — that’s the first thing so rather than saying, “I don’t care,” just search inside yourself and find, “Is there a minor preference that I could voice here?” because, one, people will appreciate the fact that they at least have a direction and you’re not going to search on Yelp for hours and hours and hours for a restaurant. The second thing though is that people who lack
confidence often are disconnected from their true desires. It’s not that they don’t care, it’s that they learned a long time ago
to separate themselves from what they really wanted. So getting in the practice of detecting minor preferences of which food you’d like or what movie you’d like to watch and how you’d like to spend your evening is telling yourself, “I believe in you. I think that your voice
has value. I think your preferences are worth hearing.” It doesn’t mean you’re always gonna get your way or it doesn’t mean you don’t even need to argue about it but simply voicing in a scenario, “I’d like to go here,” other people can say where they’d like to go you, guys can talk about it, and wind up in a different direction, that’s going to build confidence inside of you. It’s gonna make you more decisive, a better leader, and of course, it’s gonna make you more confident. So I hope that you guys have found those five tips helpful. A huge and fantastic resource for these, like I said, is Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden and you can check that out today actually for free courtesy of our sponsor, Audible. So if you go to the link in the description audible.com/charisma or if you text “Charisma” to 500=500, you can get a free 30-day trial of audible with one free credit and you can put that towards I recommend, Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. So the way that it works after that is it’s about $15 a month and you get access to a huge library of audiobooks. It’s continuing to grow, it’s got just about everything you could ever want in there, and if you’re the type of person that is on a commute often, who is driving, who doesn’t have time to read… this is an absolutely fantastic resource and a great first start for confidence, like I said, is Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. And in the month of July, there’s another deal for those of you who have Amazon Prime that is you can get three months of audible for the price of one. It’s gonna cost $495 for each of the first three months and $15 after that but same deal through the link in the description below which is www.audible.com/charisma or you can text “charisma” to 500-500
and highly recommend Six Pillar of Self-Esteem. I hope you guys liked this video, I look forward to seeing you in the next one which I think is going to be a long overdue charisma breakdown from someone that has been around for a very, very long time and it’s absolutely earned it so if you want to see who that is, make sure to click subscribe, hit the notification bell and I look forward to seeing you in the next video.

100 thoughts on “5 Common Habits That Will Kill Your Confidence”

  1. Will I become more charismatic/confident if I buy 30 black v-neck tee shirts and throw away the rest of my wardrobe?

  2. So true ! I've been a waiter at a restaurant for 6 months now. Every time I over think what I should say/ do before greeting a table, it comes across as fake and forced which skewed their first impression, which throughout serviced changed. But when I just breathe and boost my internal temperature before greeting, the conversations flow, what I should say/ do comes naturally and the tips are a plus. Thanks for the video !!

  3. I fully agree on point one right out the gate. I was stuck in a job I didn't enjoy and it was sapping me. I threw it in with no idea of where I was going to go, what I was going to do, but I knew I had to get out.

    I had to give up my tenancy because I was falling behind in my rent, I was on a stand-down from Social Welfare assistance because I had voluntarily given up my job (so it was "my fault" that I was unemployed and therefore "didn't deserve" assistance), I didn't know where my next meal was coming from or where I was going to stay.

    But by fuck did I feel good about myself and my stress level plummeted. Tried the "Great New Zealand Dream" self-employment and discovered it's not for me (I found being an "unpaid employee" of the Tax Department even less appealing than my previous job and developed a profound new appreciation for Salary Clerks and anybody else willing to handle all that fiscal/taxation shit – they seriously don't get paid anywhere near enough to put up with that) and eventually got another salaried job at a different organisation at a better pay and under better conditions.

    Now I'm working on another "exit strategy" for something else that's not working in my life and eroding at my self-esteem.

  4. Awesome camera work, by the way. "We get very very focused in this narrow view…" camera zooms in … "if we can broaden our perspective…" expansive gesture, camera pulls back

    It makes it somewhat more than just a Talking Head.

  5. 2 – 5 are things I already do/don't do (short I already do the right thing) but the first one is hard, when I don't really know which direction to go, what to do and so on. I envy all the people who have a goal in mind and a passion, that's what I'm leaking in.

  6. o3o I've been binging and I love these videos. On that note, there is one point that I want to bring up about the phrase, "I'm not really good with names so I might forget yours." And also common mistakes you find yourself doing in general.

    I WAS bad with names. And I largely dislike awkwardness, as many do, but one thing that I found worked really well for me was, if I meet someone new, after being told their name, I would sometimes say, "Awesome! Though I might forget it, so don't feel bad if you forget mine."

    This was my way of warning them that I may ask what their name is a few times before it sticks as well as to let them know that I don't mind if they need to ask for mine too. However, counterintuitively, the more that I did this, the less attention I spent on trying to remember their name during interactions and paid more attention to what they said. And that somehow made it easier to remember what their name was, because I could focus more on what made them unique to the people I already knew. Because I'm legitimately bad at recognizing faces and can't always put a name to a face.

    I think that it's important to know what your strengths and weaknesses are and to acknowledge them. Being transparent when presenting those things tends to make it easier to ask the questions you need to in order to make up for the shortcomings and support the strengths while making the other person feel like you are being genuine with them. Insecurity is fairly common, but you can still be confident and create an open atmosphere while acknowledging the things that may make others insecure.

    Those are my two cents on the matter, enjoy your scrolling.

  7. Seconds before you said number 5, my brother called me and asked what I wanted to eat. He even said “ don’t say I don’t care” because he is so used to me says it. What a coincidence!

  8. Christoph Schneeweiß

    Can totally confirm this was in a shitty situation yesterday and went out of the situation immediately and told the person that pissed me off she can talk to the hand. Smooth as fuck

  9. I'm an extreme introvert and these habits really struck home. Really finding this entire How to be Confident playlist very helpful and eye opening. Thank you

  10. Hey,
    You are changing my life with this channel. You helped me know many things about myself, crucial things, and you're changing my life guys.
    Thank you, and on behalf of everyone else 🙂

  11. All 5 were what my dad did to me for my entire childhood.

    It took me twice as long of the time from his abuses, just to become normal again.

  12. Number 5 is me. I say I don't care about what I do for a job and then Ill say as long as its working outside and not with people. So, I do care and I do have a preference. I also care about doing what I love which is working outside, with my hands… something physical. I just realised this. Thank you.

  13. First of all – I thought that this channel is full of bullshit like "convince yourself that a round is round". Second – I thought that this guy is (despite to his weird wide mouth and eyebrows – no offense, I'm much uglier than you are) getting to the point somehow. The third – I think this is a really inspiring "real talk". The real debate is about facing the truth (how unpleasant it should be).

    At the end, it inspired me, really.

    I thank you and I wish you the best

    MIchal, Czech Rep. (somewhere on the other side of our planet 🙂 )

  14. Rosebelle Kate Llanda

    Sometimes when I get that confidence something really disappointing happens.. But when I try to become pessimistic, good results come. How am I going to live like this? Should I change?

  15. One problem I see with "charisma experts" is that since you express a high level of self-awareness and social aptitude literally for a living, I can't listen to anything you say without reading between the lines. It creates the feelings associated with deception. I know you've gotten that criticism before in a number of ways, and if I were you I imagine I'd reason something like "being deliberate in your social behavior is not deceptive", but I think that misses the point: when people interact with each other, there is usually an implicit expectation that the interaction itself is the goal – that they're so wrapped up in the moment that they aren't thinking of anything else. When you can tell that the person you're talking to is calculating their words and behaviors in pursuit of some other goal, even when that goal is securing future interactions with you, it can make you feel like you're a pawn being played. It's dehumanizing. I see you using the advice you give us ON us as well, and though I don't actually see something morally wrong with that, I do think that consistently breaking the fourth wall, if you will, ruins the game for some people and causes distrust. I don't see you as a bad or shady person (I'm sure you're a great guy), it's more like I think you're showing too much leg. But what do I know, I'm no expert 😉

  16. Just found this channel. My family moved out of state last minute, my friend gladly took me in so I’m on the floor, I just lost my job of over 5 years and I relate to all the feels talked about for years. I needed this. I’ve seen audible sponsors on a few channels but this is the first time I’m signing up for it so I can read the book mentioned and give the subscription a chance when I can afford it. Thank you.

  17. Hey I really like your videos and I think you have a lot of really great thinks to say. Would you consider taking the audio from your videos and turning them into podcast episodes? That would be really awesome.

  18. Charisma is extremely easy when you're good looking. We are visual creatures. You can adapt all of your tips to your life, but if you're "ugly" you're not gonna succeed.

  19. You had me at point number 1. I quit my well paying job in 2017 because I was done feeling like a fraud. The future is uncertain but my confidence is back.. well it took 2 years for it to stabilize as I'd enter every situation with the baggage of how my innermost attitude was at my previous workplace.

  20. What if you hate 99,9% of people you meet then one special girl is really special and I hate 99,9% of people I have seen and meet

  21. I did no.1 (and no.5 as a reult of 1) for too long. Thankfully ive just made the step of moving to a new job and beginning to care about what i do. Great video… thanks

  22. “I think your voice has value.”
    “I think your feelings matter.”
    We say that a lot to other people and find it so difficult to say to ourselves. Why? Thanks for the vid! I think it’s so much more than self-esteem or self-confidence. It’s self-worth.

  23. Did you really experience all those situations, or do you make up at least something, to come over as more recognizable?

  24. Feyza Betül Karaoğlu

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  25. The first is so true. There's actually psychological backing to it. If you settle for mediocrity or get a job that cap your potential, you're living in a state of incongruence. You're lying to yourself, you can't have confidence if you don't trust yourself.

  26. The first one is so true!!
    I had a bad friend for about a year, they were the only person in my life and the only person I could hang out with, I felt like I couldn't leave. Being with and talking to them made me miserable and I was horribly socially anxious around that time, incapable of ordering food or asking for directions, I thought I was cursed to be awkward forever but my social capability and confidence skyrocketed as soon started in a new school, made new friends, and cut that friend off.

  27. Let me start by saying I’m sure this works for some people if so that’s great 😁

    The irony of this video for me is that the main thing that destroys my confidence is living up to the traits and expectations that make you “charismatic “ illustrated in some of these videos or videos like them.

    Less the things he’s described I thinks it’s subjective to the individual if what works for you at the end Of the day.

    I guess what gets to me about these videos in general is it feels very pretentious and conceited in the delivery of there points they make as if there deciding FOR YOU.

    Which lets face it is part and parcel of marketing you have to always be right to sell your product.

    Personally I don’t agree with number 2 what if you switched off 15 minutes prior did your feel great thing and still blanked at the interview or date. Then what have you achieved?

    How it empowering to say this is the bar you need to meet to be happy and then sit and wonder while you feel inferior.

    It’s hilarious.

  28. The more these videos pile on my yt suggestions ,i get anxious and it kinda makes me less confident when i see these captions "things ur doing wrong" and stuff lol which ultimately leads me to watch more of these videos @[email protected]
    Psychological yt tricks 💯

  29. When you talked about separating yourself from what you really want, it really touched me. As a girl and an older sibling, I have given up so many things such as my pride and dignity. I can't change the situation I'm living in right now, but I will try to hold my head high from now on.

  30. One little question: In your personal life you also wear always the same kind of shirt?? Its something that is burning inside me jajaja.
    Great video, great channel, great person

  31. Oh wow 😂😂 I love how I sent you an email about interviews today and how I landed directly on this video when I opened this app.

  32. These are really good videos, it has made me a more confident person and I've noticed the positive change in my life, high school is a lot more of a comfortable place to be now, thank you👍

  33. I don't completely agree on "setting the bar low" before doing something… Sometimes the more you focus on doing good, the more upset you get and the more you are likely to fail. So a tip for anxiety is to tell your weakness before you start, so you can be less anxious. This is a therapist trick to overcome anxiety. Of course you don't have to be too harsh

  34. I watch many of your videos and they really do inspire me to get out of my comfort zone and start communicating with other people (family not included) but when I'm in front of someone I just can't say a word I have no confidence in myself I stutter like crazy and I just can't seem to hold a normal conversation with my classmates and other people tbh its kind of depressing. I truly think that I'm going to stay like this forever, people who were born with such charisma and charm just make envious to no end 🙁🙁

  35. Wow! It just made click why I am having so much trouble in finding out, what I really want. Looking back now it makes absolutely sense. Is kind of sad though, that I didn’t know this earlier…however I will make the best use of it from now on. Much better than not knowing/understanding at all.
    BTW: I was guilty of point four a Long Time,too. It is becoming better since I stopped apologizing for literally everything I did or didn’t possibly do wrong. I wonder if the person, that made me stop will every realize what a huge favor he did for me when prohibiting excuses…

  36. I found No.5 out myself, whenever something like that happens I take the lead and the decision is made 10x faster. It makes me feel like a true leader.

  37. Thank you, stumbled upon your channel and stuck here <3. At first I dont trust you (because you are so young) but seeing the views I decided to try watching one video and now I binge watching your channel. Thank you so much for brief but so helpful videos <3.

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