🔴 community discussion about loneliness, triggers, disclosing abuse, and abusive family members

🔴 community discussion about loneliness, triggers, disclosing abuse, and abusive family members


Sorry for the beeping you guys. Hello. Welcome. We’re having a community discussion. We’re talking about all the things that you guys posted that you wanted me to talk about today. So if this is your first time here, hello. So happy to to see you. Hello Shannon. I’m… I’m just sitting outside and it’s… it might get kinda loud. I guess there’s the beeping. Hello Miss Poppy. So good to see you. This is a global community for adult survivors of adverse childhood experiences who are living with complex PTSD symptoms. Hello John Harvey and Hunter and Lisa and Ann and Vi. So good to see you all. Hello Tracey. Hello Alexis. Hello to everybody. So happy you’re here. So we’re just… we’re… Hello Gail and Debra. HelloMalta and Kyra. So we’re talking about… I might need people to remind me, like the order in which we’re going. Hello Brandy. Hello Cheryl. And… So I asked you all… First of all, thanks for telling me not to delete the video from last week. Hello, like I was thinking, oh I better delete this cuz it’s loud and you know, there’s wind and we didn’t make it down to the ocean, which we were trying to get down to the ocean, all the way down there, which is like, you know, it’s like a quarter half mile away. In a quarter and a half mile away. So we were trying to walk down last week and I was like, oh, you know my perfectionism gets the best of me and I was thinking oh, we totally need to delete this video. So, but you guys were like, no don’t. You know, like don’t, don’t delete it, you know. So I’m glad I didn’t, because a lot of you were, you know telling me… You know, thank you so much for for not deleting it and you really helped me just by you know being there. So, that’s really awesome and I’m really grateful. So today we’re talking about… They… You know, sometimes we have abuse that occurs and it’s our family members, right? … we endured abuse within the context of our family and then there’s loneliness that goes along with abuse and just CPTSD symptoms in general are sort of loneliness inducing, ‘cuz you can feel other than or different and you just can feel like you’re flawed and like sometimes, you know, there are some agoraphobic tendencies, which again, by the way, these videos are never any type of health advice or mental health care or anything. You need to be involved in your own mental health, like professional mental health experience. You need to have your own trauma-informed helping professional. Consult with a physician you know, everything has to be on your own. These videos are just for you to be around others. This is just a trauma-informed place to be around your peers who are also living with CPTSD symptoms. Miss Poppy has a list of a whole bunch of different crisis resources that she puts in the chat box for everyone and so yeah, so we’re gonna discuss the loneliness like, you know, there are some agoraphobic tendencies sometimes, you know that come along with living with CPTSD symptoms right, like we were afraid to leave the house, because our worldview has been shifted, our you know, we feel unsafe, we don’t feel that the world is a safe place. We don’t feel that we will be safe if we leave our house. We, you know, we struggle with that and if our abuse happen within the context of our family of origin, you know, how do we deal?, how do we cope when our family isn’t supportive,right?. they’re not supportive of us healing. They’re in denial about the abuse. They’re saying it didn’t happen. They they blame us instead of taking responsibility for their own actions, you know, we have a loss of relationship as a result of you know dysfunctional family members that don’t know how to acknowledge, you know the pain that they’ve caused another human being you know, so there’s the isolation and loneliness, you know, we’re losing our blood relatives, right?, like we can feel really lonely and how do you even cope when it’s your family and I know there’s more. Oh triggers, how to identify triggers, right. So, the triggers… The triggers are going to be something… the way we can identify triggers, our body does not lie, so if we’re around certain people, let’s say you feel tense or uneasy around certain people and you just can’t explain why. Let’s say every time you go to the coffee shop… Okay, let’s just talk about a scenario and then and we’ll just sit with this, okay?. This is a good and healthy discuss. Let’s say… and I’m not looking at the chat box right now, you guys cuz otherwise I can’t like complete a sentence, you know. Hashtag(#) CPTSD. So I can’t complete a sentence if I’m looking at the chat box. So I’m gonna look out at the ocean, look at the flowers, look at the birdies and the chat box moves really, really, really fast. So I have a hard time with it. So I’m gonna give you a scenario, so that you can recognize triggers. First we are gonna talk about how to recognize triggers, okay. This is gonna be very helpful for anyone who doesn’t really know how to recognize their triggers. And if you already know how to recognize your triggers, then good job, like high five, but sometimes people don’t know how to identify their triggers. They’re just like what does that even mean being triggered? Like I don’t know, I don’t understand. What is that? So this is a good way to to talk about it. So let’s just say there’s a coffee shop by your house, right?. I’m just using a coffee shop cuz I love coffee. Let’s say there’s a coffee shop by your house. Okay, let’s say part of your daily routine is to go and walk to this coffee shop and get a cup of coffee, say hello to the same people every day, you know, you have your coffee the same way every day. You probably ordered the same exact thing every day, you know, whether it’s a you know, like I’ll order like a grande drip in a venti cup with half and half and some stevia right?. Like that’s what I’ll order or if it’s like Christmas season, and I’m feeling you know, like I really want to not be on any type of a healthy plan for myself, which I’ve been very good about lately by the way, then I’ll probably order like a venti, white mocha with peppermint syrup, because and I’ll get like extra espresso. So that’s not too sweet. So let’s say I do this right?. It’s part of my daily routine and it makes me happy. All is right in the world when I’m leaving my house and walking to this coffee shop, okay. This is the scenario on how we identify triggers. Then over the course of the next like several months we begin to realize that we don’t really like going to that coffee shop anymore and we’re not really sure why. We’re like, maybe I’ll go somewhere else, maybe I’ll make coffee at home. I don’t really want to go there anymore. This is a place that you really liked to go, right? you, you know, you’ve been going there for a while and you know several months like that’s part of your morning routine, you really liked it and then you start feeling yourself resisting, you feel resistance in your body. You all of a sudden just don’t feel like going to that coffee shop. It’s not that your diet changed, you’re not like I don’t like coffee anymore rrgh, like it’s not even that. Oh, here comes the beeping. Sorry guys, my goodness, so we’re just gonna continue on as though there’s no beeping, right?. So… So nothing changed in your life, it’s not like you decided that you don’t like coffee anymore. You just feel resistance in your body and you don’t want to go to that coffee shop anymore, right?. And then you start to realize that that’s really odd. I wonder why I don’t want to go to that coffee shop anymore. I really enjoyed going there for like a year, almost a year, like several months and now I just… I don’t know I feel like I’m afraid to go or like my body is resisting or like I’m… I just don’t want to go to that coffee shop anymore and you start like you’re kind of curious, like I wonder what that’s all about. That’s just so odd right and then… then out of nowhere you’re like… let’s say you don’t like grocery shopping, okay. We’re still on this scenario and how to identify triggers by the way, in case you’re keeping track with what it is I’m talking about. As part of your routine, you don’t really like to go grocery shopping. Grocery shopping is something you don’t enjoy, because you’re around… it’s like way too much peopling, right? Peopling is hard and those living with CPTSD symptoms, like you know words, people, like lots of peopling, lots of like adulting lots of… It’s just too much, like you find yourself wanting to go to the grocery store like 11 o’clock at night where there’s no one there and you’re like, this is the best, even though you’re not a night person perhaps, but for some reason you just love going at night because you don’t have to see anybody, okay?, All this is very plausible, all this is very healthy and normal, okay?, if you’re living with CPTSD symptoms. Then, out of nowhere, you’re doing your late-night grocery run because it makes you happy and you know the reason you go late at night is because you don’t feel any resistance in your body. You you feel resistance in your body to go grocery shopping during the daytime because maybe it’s just too many people, too much communicating. You don’t want people asking you how you are. So that you can say I’m doing great thank you. How are you?. You know, which isn’t necessarily true, but you can’t really say, oh, I’m not really doing very good. I’m actually kind of struggling and then people look like, you know visibly uncomfortable and then they go well, you know, you know, you should just be grateful, look where you live, look at the view, like what do you have to be upset about, like what could you possibly not… there’s never a bad day where you live, right? I mean the whole rest of the world is on ice. They’re all struggling with the polar vortex. Look at you, you have not a care in the world, right?. So maybe you don’t like going the grocery store. You feel a bodily resistance, you feel resistance in your body, because you don’t want to have people minimizing your human experience, trying to tell you how to feel and it just bothers you. It’s just… you just don’t like it. So you go at nighttime, you go 11 o’clock at night, 10 o’clock at night, whatever it is, right?. So this one night, it’s like a random Wednesday and you’re at the grocery store, your 11 o’clock grocery run and all of a sudden you see someone at the grocery store and it’s the new employee that… you just sit there and you’re like, where have I seen that person before? Where have I seen that person before and you realize that’s one of the new employees they hired at the coffee shop that I used to go to and you realize that person looks familiar in a weird way, like it just causes you to feel unsafe or you just don’t like the way they look. So like a week or two later, you’re sitting at home because you don’t go to the coffee shop anymore and now you’ve stopped buying groceries and you only, you know get in your car and go through the drive-through or your door take out and have things delivered to your house because now going to the grocery store isn’t even safe. So you don’t go to the coffee shop anymore, you don’t go grocery store anymore and you begin to realize that like the the mustache that that person has or their haircut or the types of clothes they wear or like the flannel shirt or like the way they wear their jeans or the way they walk or the way they smile or the way they talk, that person that you saw during your 11 o’clock p.m grocery run that you realize got hired at your favorite coffee shop that you no longer go to, all of a sudden you realize that this embody resistance experience that you’re having, this bodily resistance is the same about the coffee shop as it is the grocery store and you’ve tied it all back to this one particular person because it reminds you of Uncle Jerry on Thanksgiving when you were seven and you didn’t want to be alone because you knew that he was just like a creepy weird dude that like smelled like beer and old shoes, like shoe leather or something, right?. So I’m just saying you guys. You know, what a trigger is, you recognize a trigger because you feel it in your bodies. You feel it in your bodies. If you have an in body resistance to going anywhere, listen to your body. If you have an in body resistance about someone, listen to your body. If you have an in body resistance… yes smells. Yes, you guys ulfactory – U L F A C T O R Y, look it up, ulfactory. U L F A C T O R Y – ulfactory. Anything ulfactory will trigger you back to a moment in time and it will take you back you guys, it can be a very lonely feeling, a very terrifying feeling and you can feel very defective and other than and broken and wrong and it’s olfactory, my bad. O L Not U L. Don’t listen to me, listen to Ann. O L F A C T O R Y, okay?. So you all, I’m telling you, listen to your body. the way you can recognize triggers is you will feel it in your body. Yes, and it could be anything. Rachel Grant describes it… Rachel Grant is a great podcaster/blogger. She’s a sexual abuse recovery coach and welcome to anyone who’s brand new by the way, if this is your first time, I’m so happy you’ve chosen to be here. So Rachel Grant, she describes, like the way that she describes it is she says… She says let’s say that there’s a woman and she lives… And maybe she didn’t say in New York City, I’m sort of like improvising here. She lives in this new town. She’s so excited. She just graduated college and she’s… there’s a new bakery that opened around the corner and she’s taking her route to work and she notices that the new bakery is open and she smells pumpkin, like pumpkin pie, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin something and she has a really off day and she can’t figure out what it is, like what what is it? Why did I have a weird day and she’s walking to work the next day and she smells pumpkin and so, turns out, you know, long story short if you will, the smell of pumpkin triggered her back. So the smell of pumpkin triggered her back to let’s say her… I believe her abuse happened, you know, I believe it was on Thanksgiving or whenever they were serving pumpkin pie. So anytime she smells pumpkin, she feels triggered. It’s a… it brings her right back as though she’s there again and so she had to you know and temporarily find a different route to work so that she could feel safe and so that she wouldn’t feel triggered and having a rough day at work, right?. So just trust your body you guys, that’s a really good way to recognize triggers. Now, let’s talk about a… Hello to everyone who’s here?, I’m so happy you’re all here. Thanks for all the thumbs up you guys. Thank you so much for all the thumbs up. You’re very kind. Every single time you do a thumbs up, it helps me… like shows YouTube that the work I’m doing is good and that they should recommend my videos to other complex trauma survivors who are you know, looking for validation and feeling they don’t want to feel so alone. So welcome, welcome. So we’re also going to talk about you know, isolationand loneliness, right?. Isolation and loneliness is a thing when you’re living with CPTSD symptoms, because not only are you hyper vigilant, not only are you feeling anxious, you have physical sensations in your body that are anxiety inducing and you know, you try, try, try, try to explain to people, you know why it is that you’re not feeling fantastic and they as much as they don’t mean to, they minimize your human experience by saying things which are invalidating and not encouraging, not kind, not patient and it causes you to believe that your healing wrong. I just…. if anyone needs to hear right now, someone who’s here right now needs to know that they’re not healing wrong, right?. You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re doing the best you can, you’re healing, right? We don’t… If we’re here as a result of adverse childhood experiences and we’re living with CPTSD symptoms, we didn’t… first of all, the definition of complex trauma is interpersonal trauma meaning that it’s another person. There’s an uneven power dynamic, so it’s someone that’s bigger than us or stronger than us and there’s no way for us to escape from them either perceived or real. So we don’t do these things to ourselves, right? There was another person involved in our trauma and these symptoms can last years and even decades, okay?. So, I just want you to know, like you’re not healing wrong, nothing is wrong with how you’re healing, you’re doing the very best you can and I don’t know who it was, because I just glanced down for a second; Someone said that they feel like they’re getting worse and they’re not healing or they feel worse now that they’re healing. I just want to encourage anyone here who, you know if you’re beginning to feel worse than you were when you first started healing, there’s one of two things that are happening, either it’s very temporary and you’re gonna feel much better really, really, really soon or you are in contact with a person who has toxic tendencies that is reminding you, in your body, of your abuser. So again, if you’re here and you’re healing from CPTSD symptoms and you’re starting to feel worse rather than better, one of two things is happening. Usually it’s one of two things, you know we’re just gonna make sweeping generalizations on this call, right? No, we’re not gonna make sweeping generalizations, but I am going to say that it is very common that one of two things is happening. One, you’re uncovering some new memories and it’s very, very temporary, be patient with yourself. You’re just going through a very brief stent of uncovering some new things, you will make it through or two, you have come in contact with a toxic person who is reminding you, in your body of, someone who was abusive to you, someone who caused your trauma, okay?. I just want you to know, alright? It’s usually one of those two things, either it’s temporary and you’re just in a very temporary, brief bout of oops, this is a new memory, wow, I thought I had worked through this. I’m gonna work my way through this, I am gonna get through or there’s someone that you’ve come in contact with that reminds you of… they have toxic tendencies and they remind you of someone who was abusive toward you, okay?, So just hang in there you guys, you’re not healing wrong. You’re not doing anything wrong, you’re doing the best you can, you’re doing so good. So the next thing that we had on our list to talk about tonight – we talked about triggers, right? How to identify those, we talked about a little bit about family and your family of origin and you know how to cope with out when your abuse happened within your family of origin, which I feel like maybe we should talk a little bit more about, that’s almost like a full hour-long conversation, because what’s gonna happen is unless you do your best to sort of separate yourself from your family of origin and create a life for yourself apart from your family of origin, if there’s anyone who was you know toxic and caused your abuse or facilitated your abuse, if you’re still in touch with the people who were abusive toward you or facilitated your abuse then it is not likely that healing is going to take place. It can be a very difficult thing to cope… to cope with and so one of the best ways to cope with healing if your abuse happened from a family member is really reaching out and getting plugged into some sort of a safe community, like I’ve built these, you know, I have these free Facebook groups that I’ve been building over the last four or five years, you know, some of them have 20 people, some of them have 50 people, some of them have a hundred people, some of them have 300 people and those are all free and then there’s you know, there’s other groups that I have through the foundation, if you go to CPTSDfoundation.org and you look for like daily calls or there’s a book club, you know you can be involved with reading books about trauma and healing trauma be involved with a community of people that really want to heal and or you can be involved in the daily calls. The daily calls are $50 a month, 365 days a year. 45-minute calls, 365 days a year. It’s $50 a month or the healing book club, right now I think it’s still only $5 a month. The price is going up, but you know, that’s only $5 a month and that’s every week everybody gets together and they read through books about healing from trauma. It’s just a wonderful thing, right?, or that like I said if you like Facebook and Facebook is a safe place for you, then great. There’s free groups on Facebook. I prefer to be away from Facebook, because Facebook is where my family tends to hang out and I don’t really like to be around, you know my family of origin for too long, with the exception of my son, my daughter-in-law and a couple of my cousins. I don’t really like being around my family of origin, because it can be a very invalidating or retraumatizing or triggering experience for me and I need to believe that I’m worth it. That it’s okay for me to get away from that. My healing is worth it, I deserve to heal, you know, I need to believe those things and that’s a hard thing to believe if I’m you know continuing to you know, like hang out where my family of origin hangs out which is why I built an entire foundation with private servers and there’s communities over there,there’s groups over there, like it’s amazing you guys, it really is a safe awesome place and I like it a lot. So, it’s just… it’s a hard thing. So again if your abuse happen within your family, the best possible thing you can do to help yourself heal is to build yourself a life that feels safe in your body and you got to go places that feel safe in your body, you got to find ways to feel safe, whether it’s shopping at the grocery store at certain hours, going to only certain places, living in a certain area that doesn’t include toxic people. Not allowing toxic people to text you or call you and if they do text you and call you, you don’t have to reply. Not hanging out in the same places that they hang out, like if they hang out on Facebook or you know, let’s just say, you know, you meet some people that are in, you know different types of healing groups, you know, like there are some great communities online and and you know, it’s… the best way to heal abuse within the context of your family of origin is to have a family of choice, right?. like that’s why I call all of you my framily with an R like F R A M I L Y, my framily, because you’re my friendly family of choice and I had to create that on my own, no one did it for me and I think it’s unjust, I think I deserved someone to you know, if they’re going to be super crappy and abusive, they should have set me up with some sort of something right, but they didn’t, so, yeah. The… I think there’s another topic that we’re gonna be talking about. I think it’s isolation. Let me see, isolation, loneliness… Let me think, triggers, I’m trying to think of what the other one was. don’t you love that I can’t remember?. Oh no. I’m trying to figure out which other topics that we’re talking about today. So we’re talking about healing from abuse that happens within the context of our family of origin. Talking about identifying triggers. Hmm, we’re talking about loneliness. Oh, disclosing abuse. Yes. Thank you Miss Vi. Yes, we were already talking about abusive family members… so disclosing abuse, my goodness. So you guys, I want to just start by saying… Hi Andrew, so good to see you. Haven’t seen you in a while and it’s you’ve probably been here, I just… I’ve been doing different videos where I’m either with you guys, hanging out, ‘cuz you’ve said that you really like that. Hmm… Yeah. So, disclosing our abuse. So I think it’s worth mentioning that when we disclose, like when we disclose our abuse, it’s a choice, no one can force you. No one is is able to force you to disclose your abuse if you’re an adult. They can try to force you, they can try to manipulate you or they can be manipulative, right?, but no one can force you if you’re an adult. They can’t control you if you’re an adult. So, I disclosed my abuse when… let me think. Well, I tried to disclose my abuse when I was little, that didn’t go well. No one believed me, they shut me up, they told me that I should just be grateful for my life and that I would never know what abuse really was and you know, it’s like you know, it’s so invalidating, it’s so incredibly invalidating to like try to tell the truth and then have people not believe you, I mean, oh my gosh. It’s devastating, you know, because if you’ve been abused, right? and if you’re here on this channel, like, then you’re living with CPTSD symptoms as a result of adverse childhood experiences or some other form of ongoing abuse in adulthood and if that’s the case, you know you’re not making it up. Complex trauma by its very nature is interpersonal in nature.
Means there’s another person involved and you didn’t abuse yourself, right?, and yet we walk around and we feel as though we’re to blame. So be very, very kind to yourself and be very careful about disclosing your abuse, because you know, like when I tried to disclose my abuse when I was younger, it was denied and when I tried to resist the control of my family and the exploitation that they were putting me through, they excommunicated me, they kicked me out of the family and then it was like such a mind screw, because I was like what I’m not even good enough to be abused anymore, like what’s the deal? You know, it’s such a horrible, horrible feeling, because you feel completely and totally like you have no insides, right?. Like your whole insides are scooped out and replaced with something else that you don’t even know what it is. So when I tried to disclose in my adulthood and share, it was very very difficult and I wasn’t believed again and I was invalidated and minimized and told that I should be over it and then there was my whole you know, my church telling me you know, like it’s you know, you need to just forgive and it’s like they didn’t even know that they were making it worse. Like when the church leads with forgiveness when someone has been abused, they screw it up from the moment they start, because the person who’s been abused needs to be able to choose to forgive, because forgiveness is a choice. Just like when someone chose to abuse them, that was a choice.
Someone else chose to abuse us, they made a choice right?, and to force us to instantaneously forgive something so heinous and wrong is invalidating of our human experience. It’s confusing for us. It seems as though they’re taking the side of the abuser. They’re ignoring what it is that’s going on with us. They’re refusing to believe that there are ramifications you know, they’re consequences to people’s actions and it’s just very, very, very, very painful and confusing and retraumatizing. It’s a retraumatization. So it’s important for you know, it’s important for you to know that if you’re choosing to disclose your abuse, that you set yourself up with a really good support system ahead of time, knowing that people are likely going to deny and invalidate your human experience. So, that way you’re not taken… you know taken… you’re not caught off guard,taken by surprise, you know and it’s… Invariably that’s what’s gonna happen. Rarely, if ever, I’ve never, ever, ever, ever heard of someone saying I disclosed my abuse and my abuser took responsibility for their actions, apologized, my entire family made sure that I got the proper care and therapy and we’re all living happily ever after and we get together every year for Christmas or the winter holidays, Boxing Day and all the other things that… Hanukkah and Kwanzaa and you know all the things, right? I’ve never heard a situation like that. People who choose to abuse others don’t take responsibility for their actions. They just don’t and It’s really sad, they really should take responsibility, but they don’t. So if you’re going to disclose, please, please, please set yourself up with a support system, make sure you reach out and you know that it’s going to take you a while to heal and you know get in touch like, I was saying, like I built all these communities you know, I had a lot of help. You all that are over there, like you know, some of the groups have 20 people, some of them have a 100 some of them have 300, like there’s different communities for different people and then there’s ones over through the foundation – CPTSDfoundation.org. Oh and we’re getting ready to set up text messaging you guys. I’ve heard… I totally forgot to mention. I was supposed to mention text messaging 38 minutes ago and I didn’t, epic fail you guys, we’re starting up daily text messages. Hello. So when the page goes live, when we have the whole system with the software setup where you get daily text messages, just encouraging messages, like daily reminders that you’re doing the best you can and you know healing is a journey and you’re not on this journey alone and you know, they’re from me, the daily reminders are from me. It’s like, I think you’re gonna go to CPTSDfoundation.org/text. If you try to do that right now, there’s no page there. It’ll say it. Oops, we can’t find the page you’re looking for, but it’s because we’re still setting up the software and getting everything figured out. So, oh there… I think there’s a question that came. Hi, Angela. Yeah, so we’re talking about that tonight. Angela says how do you deal with the grief that comes with realizing that those who hurt you have never and will never do the right thing, ever. They will never apologize, they will never admit and they will never help. Yeah, yeah. That’s a reality. It’s a reality for for a lot of us and I think the only way I’ve been able to deal with that type of pain is like just making sure again that we give ourselves the space, the time and the patience to take as long as we need to heal, it’s a really hard thing to accept, a really, really hard thing to accept. If I could please recommend a book, I really want to recommend a book Angela. I don’t know what your situation necessarily is, but there is this book by Dr. Carol McBride, I think I’ve… I like, I’ve recommended it before. I think it’s called Will I Ever Be Enough?, and… yeah it’s called Will I Ever Be Enough? Oh, there’s one of my birdies, look at, there’s one of my birdies. Hi, hello, you got the berries. Hello there, look how cute he is. Isn’t he cute? He’s moving closer and closer he’s like are you gonna feed me?. Hi. He’s so cute. He’s a Java Sparrow. Hello. He’s like, when are you gonna feed me? Oh he flew away. How cute was that?. Oh, so cute. Nice little distraction, right guys?. So when we have to… So Dr. Carol McBride wrote this book called Will I Ever Be Enough and she talks a lot about.. She talks a lot about how when we’re going through the grieving process of grieving that these you know, these people who were abusive in our lives don’t ever apologize, they don’t ever do the right thing and it’s very,very painful for us. So she talks about how like the grieving process is like Karen Kubler-Ross wrote about the grieving process, her seminal work you know, with the five stages of grief. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. Well, what Dr. Carol McBride talks about is if you’re healing from narcissistic abuse of any kind or abuse within the context of your family of origin, the most important thing that you got to do first is accept that the abuse happened, regardless of the gaslighting, no matter how many times people say that it didn’t happen or that you must be lying or you should be over it by now or maybe you’re not remembering it correctly, etcetra, etcetra, etcetra. It’s of the utmost importance that you just accept the fact that your abuse did happen. You must accept the fact that your abuse did happen. That’s the very, very, very, very, very, very first step and then once we accept that the abuse did happen and we’re not denying it or minimizing it or pretending that maybe it’s going to get better or that someday, maybe,maybe, maybe they’re going to apologize, then like true healing can actually happen when we accept that the abuse happened and that there’s not an apology coming and I know that I’m like again painting with very broad strokes, making sweeping generalizations which is never my goal here, but the bookk; Will I Ever Be Enough is excellent and really walks you through with some very, very practical strategies on how to not crumble under the weight of the pain knowing that you’re never going to receive that apology, right?. It’s so, so, so hard Angela, it’s so hard, so painful. Yes. Shannon says the book; Will I Ever Be Good Enough was one of the first books I read. Yeah Hello Miss Joey. Hello Pixie painter. Hello Lynne. It’s so great to see everyone. Sharon says my family ostracized me when I told and they testified against me. I’m so sorry Sharon. That is such an unjust thing. That’s a criminal criminal act. I Just want you to know Sharon that I believe you. I believe you. You guys, complex trauma survivors, rarely, if ever are making it up. Lisa I believe that book is available on audio for sure and I’m creating audio versions of my books as well, since I know that you’re here, I haven’t seen you in a while, but I know you’ve come before and I it must mean that you’re okay with my voice and you don’t find it annoying, so you will be able to you know feel supported, but yeah, Will I Ever Be Good Enough, I believe that book is available on audio. Do what you got to do, do what works best for you, you know. Angela says I feel so broken by CPTSD. I’m socially awkward. I feel lonely and abandoned. I mess up relationships all the time. I feel like such a loser. I have ADHD tendencies as well you guys. Angela I feel… I am quite socially awkward. I can pretend that I’m not, but I really am. Even when I’m in social situations and I’m not causing others to feel extremely uncomfortable, I feel extremely uncomfortable. I’m very socially awkward and I too have felt very, very lonely and abandoned and I for a long time I messed up my relationships right?, and I felt like a loser. It just takes some time, it really, really, really just takes some time Angela, please be kind to yourself, you know. It takes a lot of time and since my family would triangulate with other family members, they would tell them lies about me, turn them against me, oh yeah, flying monkeys, triangulation, first sure, totally. Yeah. Wally, I feel lonely too even when I’m walking on the street. I feel very, very like awkward when I’m at the grocery store. I don’t like going to the grocery store. I feel very socially awkward. Yes INFJ in the house, represent. Yeah, I definitely don’t feel normal, but I’m getting you know, it’s… it just takes some time. I think I’m getting to a place where I’m feeling better and better over time. I want to believe that. I’m getting sunburned I think, I need to move. Oh very, very bright, although I’m gonna get my sunglasses. I gotta just stay back here in the shade cuz I think I got a little bit sunburned. I’m trying to heal my skin issues not add to them, right?. Let me try to go inside a little bit. Open up the screen door. I’ll go sit on my couch again Okay, I’m back. Hey Lynne. This is my little apartment. It’s a little one-bedroom apartment and it’s on the west side of the island of Maui in the state of Hawaii. The most remote island chain in the entire world, farthest away from any other landmass. Why? ‘Cuz I got the heck out of there, right? I got the heck out of there. I mean, I probably didn’t need to move this far away, but I did, I got the heck out and Here I am, healing. A little birdie came back. He’s like, where’s my food? John Harvey says I am a ninja at avoiding people and things. Oh, Poppy take extra good care of yourself, dear, no problem. Take extra good care of yourself. I think we’re right towards the end of the call… towards the end of the video. I don’t get you. There, that’s better. Oh Lisa, thank you. It is a really pretty view, it is. It gets lonely, you know, ‘cuz, hello, I’m in the middle of nowhere, but I’m healing and that’s what matters, that’s my priority right now. My priority is that I’m healing. Lance says I realize it’s harder for others to understand me sometimes. At least I can tell them why. People don’t understand me either Lance. It can be really hard though, because you’re a male and you’re healing and you’re on this journey and you know, it’s just so hard. I have such a tremendous amount of respect for my survivor brothers. It is so, so, so, so painful and lonely, because of just the, you know social expectation, societal expectations put on them to be like strong and whatever, it’s just you know, it’s just so much. So I’m sending you so much support and kindness. Jeffrey Sherman says Athena was like, family of origin, emotional abuse, nope, I’m getting out of here. Yeah, that’s me, exactly. It is a great place to heal. You are not alone Alice, no, no, no. Yes, it’s a wonderful place to be. Yes. Yeah. I don’t walk to the beach daily, because I have social anxiety and there’s a lot of people there, but if I know it’s like gross weather out, then I’ll go down there all the time, like when it’s dreary and the sun’s not out, I go down to the beach, ‘cuz I know nobody’s there, because I have social anxiety, like debilitating social anxiety. Yes Jeffrey, well said. We have to become a priority in our own lives. Hi Joey. Joey says is it common for survivors to get triggered easily over verbal abuse, rather than physical abuse. Absolutely, most definitely. Usually verbal abuse when we were children Joey, was a precursor to other forms of abuse which were tremendously soul destroying and traumatising and so anytime we’re around any type of verbal abuse it can feel very, very, very unsafe, very unsafe. I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your week and thanks for being here and just allowing me to just show up and hang out with you and spend time with you and you know, yeah, I wish John Harvey… I wish I can have you know, like a… I wish I could build like a big, big, big wonderful place where I could just have everybody here just, just scoop everybody up and bring them here. So I’ll post… If you haven’t subscribed to this channel and you want to that would be fantastic and if you do choose to subscribe, click the bell notification, little bell and then you’ll get a notification when I send out a little query asking you what types of topics do you want me to talk about and it would be wonderful, you know. It’d be wonderful for you to get that message and be able to chime in. Today’s topics were mentioned by Angela and Aquarius. Um, I think it’s Aquarius, how did… what’s the full name, let me see.Angela and… I’m finding it, one second here. It will take me a second. Angela M and Aquarius something. Ooh Anna. Anna Digital says, Athena last week for some reason, I looked on Google street view at the house I lived in as a child when I was abused. It was strange seeing the house after all these years. If someone can tag, H1Anna 2 Digital, um, let her know that I’m mentioning this at the end of the video, but I recordeda video on this channel a couple years ago or maybe a year or so ago Called retraumatization. I don’t have the link to it right now, but I talked about that. I talked about retraumatization and it really… Like sometimes we just need that validation. Sometimes we just need Oh, it’s Aurora Aquarius Aurora Aquarius and Angela M were those who sent in topics for tonight and so yeah, Anna, I talked on that particular video. Maybe I’ll link that down in the comment section for you, but I’ve talked about when I Google mapped and did Google view all of my… like a lot of my sexual abuse and different like exploit exploitation that happened from my mom and my grandma. Oh good, Anna you’re still here. Yeah, you’re not alone. it’s um, sometimes we just need to know it’s real and we need to take the memories we do have and we need to piece it all together and go, okay all their gaslighting,all the times they told me that I was just imagining it all, they’re lying. I remember, I remember and my memories are real. They’re not gonna be able to confuse me and tell me that my my abuse wasn’t real, you know. So I’ll find a link. Yeah, sometimes there just isn’t enough rocks, exactly. One of my favorite movies of all time ever Vi, for sure. Yeah. Angela says right now the hardest part for me is living with this hole inside me feeling empty and alone. No matter what I do, where I am. Just know Angela, I promise you I’ve been in that spot, like just know that it is… just know that it’s a temporary thing. It’s a temporary thing that you’re in right now, that is I know it seems like it lasts a really long time, it’s temporary and if you’re feeling that way for too long, it could be that you have come in contact with someone who’s toxic, whose personality traits remind you of those of people who were abusive toward you when you were younger. So just be really gentle and kind with yourself. Hello Declan. So good to see you. Declan I totally forgot to mention this at the beginning of the video you guys, but the United States does daylight savings time. I don’t where I live, but everybody else does and our daylight savings time is two or three weeks different than yours Declan. So Declan, in like 2 or 3 weeks, maybe it’s one week 1, 2 or 3 weeks Declan. Yeah, Angela that’s definitely the case. As soon as you are separated from that as soon as you possibly can, it’s gonna feel so much better Angela, I promise you, I promise you. You just gotta… you know, just be extra kind to you. Just know that you’re not alone, okay, but yeah, Declan, I hope you had fun when you… I guess you went out to the pub. I hope you had a good time, but in like a week or 2 weeks or 3 weeks you guys are gonna have daylight savings time. So here in the United States it started yesterday and where you are Declan and in the UK and Ireland and all over, it’s not gonna be for another 2 or 3 weeks, I can’t remember exactly the date. If I tried to ask Siri right now, like it would cut off the video, like last week when I was trying to show you guys the little side street… Lynne. Lynne is in the UK. Lynne, in UK, is daylight savings time in 2 weeks or 3 weeks? Malta. It’s so good to see you Declan You do belong, you are worthy, you are good, you are lovable, you are safe. Declan or Lynn, when is your daylight savings time? Yes, this is a good place for a retreat. Most definitely. Yeah, March 31st. So, Bye Lance, so happy to have you. So I’ll see you all next week, okay, and Declan and Lynne, I’ll be an hour earlier than I normally am. This is an hour earlier than we usually are, but like… Thank You Shannon for posting that. So I have discussions like these, not on video, but we do screen shares and psycho-educational materials in a trauma-informed peer support environment and we do it 7 days a week, 365 days a year over at CPTSDfoundation.org. So if that’s something that you are interested in, then great, otherwise we have free groups on Facebook. Oh, it’s ok Pixie Painter. So good to have you and we do have a book club if you want to click on the link in the chat box there, @CPTSDfoundation.org, I think it’s healing book club /healing book club. Oh, God bless you, too. Anne. Thank you for being here. Yes, Malta, we will be at this same time next week and this same time the next week and the next week and it will be back to the normal time after March 31st if you’re located in the UK. The book club is $5 a month. Um Tabby Bar, I need you to email my assistant Lisa if you didn’t hear back from the forum, because everyone’s been responded to. I responded to everybody personally or had my assistant do it. So if it didn’t get… it didn’t go through, then it didn’t go through, but if you go to CPTSDfoundation.org Tabby Bar and you click on groups and you fill out a form then you’re gonna get responded to, because everybody’s responded to or you can email my assistant Lisa @CPTSDfoundation.org and she’ll send y.ou a link to the same place I just told you to click. So everybody’s already been welcomed into groups, everybody’s taken care of. Yeah, the book club is $5 a month. It’s… the cost is going up to $10 a month. I don’t know when, like I think like in a month or 2. Oh, it doesn’t apply. oh good, okay Malta. Oh, yeah, you remember to love yourself too. You guys take really good care of yourselves, okay?. You’re so welcome. Oh, you’re so welcome. Thank you for being here and thanks for subscribing and clicking the little bell and thank you for the…

6 thoughts on “🔴 community discussion about loneliness, triggers, disclosing abuse, and abusive family members”

  1. Great video! I learned a lot about why I act and feel the way I do. I feel more comfortable in my skin and being myself. I actually feel I am starting to see the results of healing. Thank you so much.

  2. Thank you SO MUCH, Athena!!! I thought I had a phobia regarding going into grocery stores (I think in psychological and/or psychiatric terms it's called a phobia?)… Anyways, it was EXCRUCIATING to go grocery shopping so I got in the habit of going to whatever grocery store was open very late like you're talking about, etc…. I don't feel terrible when I shop at any other big store, Trader Joe's, 99 Cent Only Store, etc. (only grocery stores)… I looked back to try to find out why I had this "phobia" and my mom who I believe was BPD shamed me continually while we would buy groceries and especially at check-out in front of the cashier, etc. (I remember one specific incident but it happened most of the time, I think)… Can you imagine my elation when they installed the self-checkout machines?!?!?! LOL!!!! Thank you for everything you do for us survivors!!! This video is just what I needed today!!! Thank you SO MUCH!!! 😀 🙂 <3!!!

  3. James the Brovivor

    I'm sorry I missed the livestreami went to bed really early I was so tired. Daylight savings really got me. I hope you all are well ❤️

  4. Just found your videos and channel. Thanks for what you are doing to support survivors. I heard you mention Rachel Grant – she's amazing. I went through her Beyond Surviving program last year. Anyway, I really needed to hear your message that I'm not doing this healing wrong. I had made tremendous progress and now am in a new place with it. Your voice is really comforting. Thanks again.

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